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sorry for the silence…  https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/11/18/sorry-for-the-silence/
bbc ouch podcast-me and mark brown talk mental health  https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/10/14/bbc-ouch-podcast-me-and-mark-brown-talk-mental-health/
the loneliness at the end of the story https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/09/13/the-loneliness-at-the-end-of-the-story/
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discharged from perinatal psychiatry https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/01/21/discharged-from-perinatal-psychiatry/
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the beauty of babyhood https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2015/11/27/the-one-forever/#comment-55247
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housing benefit scrapped for 18-21 year olds  https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/housing-benefit-scrapped-for-18-21-year-olds/
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/housing-benefit-axed-18-21-year-olds-dwp-damian-green_uk_58b99db8e4b0d2821b4dcc6e?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003 http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/housing-benefit-axed-18-21-year-olds-dwp-damian-green_uk_58b99db8e4b0d2821b4dcc6e?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003
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12 comments » https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/housing-benefit-scrapped-for-18-21-year-olds/#comments
my blog is 10 years old! hooray! https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/my-blog-is-10-years-old-hooray/
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recovery myth https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/the-recovery-myth/
and the late, great mark fisher, who ended his life last month, wrote about it beautifully here https://theoccupiedtimes.org/?p=12841
reading back those early entries were such anxiety about ever having children https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2007/02/19/the-kick-inside/
10 years ago. https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2007/02/10/bellys-gonna-get-ya/
8th may 2009 (when the radio 4 play based on this blog was broadcast- read this post) https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2009/05/08/afternoon-play/
musings on mumhood- feminism, love and grief https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/musings-on-mumhood-feminism-love-and-grief/
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mental health https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/category/mental-health/
1 comment » https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/my-blog-is-10-years-old-hooray/#comments
goodbye carrie fisher, drowned in moonlight,  strangled by her own bra.  https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/12/27/goodbye-carrie-fisher-drowned-in-moonlight-strangled-by-her-own-bra/
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3 comments » https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/12/27/goodbye-carrie-fisher-drowned-in-moonlight-strangled-by-her-own-bra/#comments
sorry for the silence…  https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2016/11/18/sorry-for-the-silence/
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home blogroll who she? and contact details the secret life of a manic depressive entries rss | comments rss blog stats 1,517,020 have come visiting tweets from a twit @kinglobsterclaw and he's got a lighter next to him 1 day ago rt @lauraewaddell: .@lindaholt99 campaign off to a great start, there. https://t.co/jvuru9bsn0 1 day ago rt @mornayoung: this. @lauraewaddell "working class girls and working class art". gloriously accurate. #nastywomen @404ink https://t.co/u3y… 2 days ago @digitalbecca few months ago! 2 days ago rt @siobhanfenton: spare a thought for civil servants at downing st, desperately googling 'what is northern ireland' now they might have to… 2 days ago rt @siobhanfenton: the dup weren't at power-sharing talks today because they are evangelical christians and believe god forbids work on sun… 2 days ago well, fuck. twitter.com/siobhanfenton/… 2 days ago how mental health became the new feminism vice.com/en_uk/article/… via @viceuk 4 days ago rt @tjfixman: terminated. (@schwarzenegger) https://t.co/gsoycnbfhx 4 days ago rt @trillingual: 200 people feared drowned off the coast of libya. deaths already at a higher rate than 2016, itself a record year. https:/… 4 days ago theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2… 4 days ago rt @selectscience: for your chance to win this luxury @fortnums hamper, simply write a product review before april 10 2017. https://t.co/b4… 5 days ago @sparklehooves thank you! it made me happy to see you :) 5 days ago @cityalan @tlrailuk now it is. it's 20 odd minutes late 5 days ago hate the new @tlrailuk trains. trying to switch off a late train but its antiseptic lights are in your face, feels like being in a&e 5 days ago rt @streathamrovers: due to the number of requests (the market is always right) here are details on how to buy a streatham rovers shirt. cl… 5 days ago respect to @sophielong01 for this and her statement. she was utterly savaged for simply behaving like a human being. twitter.com/amandafbelfast… 6 days ago @kinglobsterclaw you gave them to staff at herne hill 6 days ago rt @thebowiecat: weird how so many groups that are actually marginalized managed not to turn into frothing nazis thefederalist.com/2017/03/21/alt… 6 days ago @tom_gann ian dunt is fucking awful. 6 days ago follow @ms_molly_vog random post click here for a random post pages blogroll who she? and contact details a cornology of categories a cornology of categories select category #you’vegotlegsgetupandwalk (1) a guide to living with mental illness (5) abnormal psychology (2) alcoholism (6) all in the mind (1) alternative medicine (2) angry rants (2) anti-psychiatry (1) anticonvulsants (3) antidepressants (4) antipsychotics (3) anxiety (5) articles (1) asylums (1) avoidant personality disorder (1) being mentally interesting (8) being old (1) belfast (1) benefits (2) bipolar (226) bipolar disorder (220) rapid cycling bipolar (7) rapid-cycling (6) bipolar 1 disorder (16) blogs (1) body dysmorphic disorder (5) body image (3) borderline personality disorder (3) boring post (1) breastfeeding (1) brendan (1) brendan hollywood. 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(3) off-topic (2) one in four (2) open up conference (1) or whatever the hell it is (2) orlaigh’s birthday (1) overdose (1) panic (2) panic attack (2) panic disorder (2) paranoia (3) personality disorders (2) phobia (1) photos (5) poll (2) pregnancy (6) psychosis (7) racing thoughts (2) radio 4 (3) reviews (1) risperidone (1) rob (3) sadness (1) schizoaffective disorder (2) schizophrenia (4) self congratulatory crap (1) self harm (6) sexual side effects (1) side effects (3) smoking (4) smoking ban (1) snow (1) spending review 2010 (1) stacey slater (1) suicide (3) the insane guide to living with mental illness (4) the utterly ridiculous benefits system (1) therapy (3) twitrelief (1) university (3) useless mental health services (2) valproate (2) very disjointed posts (1) vicky (1) videos (1) videos of me (1) warning may contain nuts (3) weddings (1) weight gain (1) welfare reform (1) would not be helpful in a hostage situation (1) contact me and introduce yourself contact me by e-mail introducing yourself recent musings housing benefit scrapped for 18-21 year olds  my blog is 10 years old! hooray! goodbye carrie fisher, drowned in moonlight,  strangled by her own bra.  sorry for the silence…  bbc ouch podcast-me and mark brown talk mental health  the loneliness at the end of the story hiraeth/west belfast/home 10 years dead bulimic beats aka i thought i was over this shit new buzzfeed article- 6 things i wish i’d heard as a bipolar teenager give us your body, we’ll give your mind one 7 things i learned as the child of an alcoholic- my buzzfeed article discharged from perinatal psychiatry blog series: bipolar pregnancy, birth and beyond recent comments… blog series: bipolar… on the beauty of babyhood blog series: bipolar… on my drink and drugs heck- being… blog series: bipolar… on my body comes with a trigger w… blog series: bipolar… on therapy tales part 1- so you… mentally interesting on housing benefit scrapped for 1… dusty archives march 2017 (1) february 2017 (1) december 2016 (1) november 2016 (1) october 2016 (1) september 2016 (1) august 2016 (1) may 2016 (1) april 2016 (1) march 2016 (3) february 2016 (1) january 2016 (2) november 2015 (1) october 2015 (1) september 2015 (2) august 2015 (3) july 2015 (2) june 2015 (1) may 2015 (2) march 2015 (1) february 2015 (1) january 2015 (1) december 2014 (1) september 2014 (2) july 2014 (1) june 2014 (2) may 2014 (1) april 2014 (1) february 2014 (2) january 2014 (2) december 2013 (1) november 2013 (2) october 2013 (6) september 2013 (5) august 2013 (1) july 2013 (1) june 2013 (2) may 2013 (5) april 2013 (2) march 2013 (3) january 2013 (4) december 2012 (1) november 2012 (5) october 2012 (2) september 2012 (1) august 2012 (6) july 2012 (4) june 2012 (5) may 2012 (2) april 2012 (4) march 2012 (3) february 2012 (6) january 2012 (6) december 2011 (3) november 2011 (6) october 2011 (5) september 2011 (1) august 2011 (1) july 2011 (3) april 2011 (4) march 2011 (13) february 2011 (3) january 2011 (4) december 2010 (3) november 2010 (10) october 2010 (14) september 2010 (14) august 2010 (1) july 2010 (10) june 2010 (10) may 2010 (8) april 2010 (4) february 2010 (3) october 2009 (5) september 2009 (1) may 2009 (14) april 2009 (13) march 2009 (1) february 2009 (2) january 2009 (2) december 2008 (1) october 2008 (4) september 2008 (3) august 2008 (1) june 2008 (14) january 2008 (6) september 2007 (1) march 2007 (1) february 2007 (4) meta register log in entries rss comments rss wordpress.com housing benefit scrapped for 18-21 year olds  posted on march 4, 2017 by mentally interesting at 21 i was mentally ill, couldn’t work, had a dead alcoholic dad and my mum on benefits across the sea. i would have been homeless without housing benefit. it’s not just a room or a roof, it’s a base, a safe space. without that i never would have recovered enough to be able to work or have a child, i don’t think i’d still be alive. stopping work and being able to claim benefits was a positive turning point in my life. that’s just me, one person. this will badly impact on lbgtq people, people who have been abused and can’t “prove it” (how do you prove emotional abuse? physical and sexual abuse which shames you into silence, gives you a mistrust of anyone with authority over you, as well as the fact that some people rightfully fear the police?) since the single room rate is for over 35s now anyway what’s even to be saved? just more needless pointless cruelty. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/housing-benefit-axed-18-21-year-olds-dwp-damian-green_uk_58b99db8e4b0d2821b4dcc6e?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003 share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 12 comments » my blog is 10 years old! hooray! posted on february 8, 2017 by mentally interesting happy 10th birthday to this blog! if it were a person, it’d be in its last year of primary school. bloody hell. when i wrote my first entry, i was newly dispatched from a psychiatric hospital, newly having just-lost-my-dad, and trying to find my way in the world through a fugue of medications and grief. although i started this blog to write out feelings i felt were burdening people around me, to get closer to what i was experiencing, really this blog was a way to put distance between me and what was happening to me. to storify it, to fling its tendrils into others and drag them close to me, to share in it. because i felt alone and for however wise and clever i tried to sound, i didn’t have a fucking clue. and i had this phone: a fair amount has changed. i’d have hoped 10 years on i’d be shiny haired in my giant kitchen and recovered, but i’m not. (the recovery myth innit) i’ve been off work for the past month with another to go as i continue to be ill (largely strangulating anxiety, never really recovered from being ill at the end of last year) but i’m coping. long ago- long long long ago- i surrendered the identity of, “manic depressive” and started to deal with the messy foreverness of just mentally interesting, maybe slightly fucked in the head, maybe also struggling to deal with things that had happened to me, maybe with a dash of madness that a capitalistic world instills in people like you and me (and the late, great mark fisher, who ended his life last month, wrote about it beautifully here) in living each day. but at the beginning, and the middle, i needed that identity. it was a necessary part of getting to the point in my life where i could view the many limbed beast as something that floated alongside me, sometimes vapourously inside me, that didn’t define me, that didn’t own me. to submerge completely, to view my life through that one lens for a while was what i needed. i did, for a long time, need those medications, need that deadening sleep, need that anaesthesia and blue chaired routine of confession and penance. it was painful and exhausting and stumbling and sometimes humiliating and destructive but it did, eventually, get me into a quieter place, a quieter mind of being able to begin to untangle the what it is and what i am, and to be more gentle with myself and those around me who often suffered alongside me in each episode and in its self obsession. that’s the biggest change, really. that i am a person with, or who experiences x, y, z and not just that. you can’t escape that- the that is why i was under the perinatal team in pregnancy, the that is why it takes me so long to ask for help when i need it, the that is why i feel shame, despite everything, the that is the that that lurks in the background whispering it can kill you, anytime, no matter what, when you least expect it. but i’m still here. i’m still short, still fat. i’ve got a child, whom i adore, and reading back those early entries were such anxiety about ever having children, and i’m so glad i did. i don’t write as much as i’d like to, i work now when i wasn’t sure i ever would, i don’t take medication anymore but don’t rule it out, and i still can’t read a novel to save my life. i made it a rule not to discuss my relationships in detail in this blog, but i’m married and happily so, boringly happily so. i’ve always been quite lucky in that respect. i’ve got friends and quite a few of them i made through here. i also pretty much got my job because of this blog. the world has changed in 10 years for the worse. back when i started this blog i was on benefits and didn’t fear too much the brown envelope, which is unthinkable now. i don’t write so much about that either as i never feel i can do justice to it, someone always says it better. i feel like what i say about that here would be facile, so i’ll save it for another post. thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me for the past decade. (i am old). for the people who were there at the start and carried me through the worst years. and who are here now listening to my bollocks on whatsapp. for historians, this is the first public entry, 10 years ago. i made most of my earliest blog posts private due to the toe-curling embarrassment of writing while under the influence of being 21 years old. most of my early posts here made me utterly cringe in their melodrama- but now, with my greying temples and the tantrumy toddlerdom i live with- i’m far more sympathetic to the barely out of teenagehood of it all. there’s a sweet romance in the melodrama of that age, whether you’re just out of a psychiatric hospital or just out of school, or both. so if you’re a teenager and reading this, and you’re instagramming, tweeting, blogging or snapchatting mental health, keep doing it. when i started writing here, there weren’t many mental health blogs around and there wasn’t much of a community. now there is, it’s flourishing, people are sharing their stories, finding each other. keep finding each other. don’t worry about how you sound or look or if you’ve written something lovely. it’s not about that. challenge the narrative, don’t let anyone speak for you. i wish you’d all been around when i was a mental self harming teenager who had no idea what was happening to me and no way to explain it. you’re doing good things. keep doing it. not sure there’ll be 10 more years- it gets harder to write here the more of a, “normal” life i need to lead. despite 10 years, i still feel worried or self conscious about what people must be thinking when they read this. but maybe if i can make more time, more space, i can write more and care less. that’s what i’d like. either way- thanks for sticking with me. you’re a great bunch of lads. i hope my bollocks has helped! for historians and statisticians: total views: 1,512,968 (one and a half million, what the feck) busiest day: 8th may 2009 (when the radio 4 play based on this blog was broadcast- read this post) my favourite post: musings on mumhood- feminism, love and grief followers on wordpress: 4,790 followers via email: 167 social followers: 6947 weirdest search term of the day: slapping your sister in d dream correcting her and u were very angry with her weirdest search term in 2017: would i like to eat my own poo (why does this lead here? now it does again- no, you would probably not like it) share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 1 comment » goodbye carrie fisher, drowned in moonlight,  strangled by her own bra.  posted on december 27, 2016 by mentally interesting ​i generally dislike the snowflake especial, self aggrandisement of bipolar disorder, where it’s treated like some sort of wonderful gift or quirky personality trait. it’s usually a thing that men do because famous men have so very much less to lose by being open about mental illness and bipolar disorder gets them their, “tortured genius” badge, whereas it gives woman their “tragic slut” or “psycho bitch” one. carrie fisher owned being a mad woman, being mad in a way only men are allowed to be (not quietly, and with a massive side order of coke and booze), and at a time when women shouldn’t be, and being totally fucking unashamed of it, as well as hilarious, human and seemingly bereft of self pity. if women are to be forgiven for their transgressions (mostly imagined), it is only by wilting quietly and apologetically. she didn’t. she bloomed and had her bollocks out and wrote so, so beautifully about ugly, funny, wonderful, painful things. she was a hero to me and many, the kind of princess i wanted to be. there’s a lot more i can and will say another time but for now- goodbye, carrie fisher. share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 3 comments » sorry for the silence…  posted on november 18, 2016 by mentally interesting … i’ve not been very well over the past few months, unsurprising given its autumn and i’m always ravaged by depression at this time of year. i don’t really know why i ever hope it’ll be different. in the last few years i’ve had round the clock anxiety too which has been lots of fun. i haven’t been at my worst thankfully, i’ve had worse than this, but it’s been bad enough that i got signed off work for a little bit, only a week. my doctor wanted me to take longer off, but am trying to keep myself going as much as possible as i don’t want to end up back on medication, which was what the doctor suggested if i continued to get worse. because i can’t take antidepressants on their own i’d have to take a mood stabiliser and antipsychotic again too, and it was hell getting off them and i struggled to function working full time with a long commute and it would be doubly hard now with a baby to care for too. it took me a long time to ask for help because i was terrified if i did, they’d take my son from me. that’s my worst nightmare and i was angry at myself for not being magically cured now i have him, for feeling weak and shit. he always makes me happy, was the only thing that did really. but i’ve been feeling like some sort of toy, plugged in and can smile and talk then becoming unplugged into slackness and silence. so i’m trying my best. i do feel a bit better. i need to take a bit of a look at my life though and think about what i can reasonably cope with. it is so hard in london just trying not to go under. the state of the world generally has been getting me down too and i haven’t felt like writing. what is there to say anymore that hasn’t been said already? the world is a terrifying shitshow full of unimaginable suffering which is going to become worse and worse. there’s my hot take. i’ll be back though, just wanted to say hi and explain why i’ve been quite quiet over the last few months. oisín is still lovely, though. here he is on halloween (he was a punk zombie bit in truth he was just himself with some hairspray and a bit of facepaint). and more for avid seaneen baby followers… share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 9 comments » bbc ouch podcast-me and mark brown talk mental health  posted on october 14, 2016 by mentally interesting hello! ​i was on the bbc ouch podcast this morning with mark brown talking about celebrities coming out with their mental health, disclosure, the changing nature of celebrity, social media, sexism, zayn malik, mentalism and tea. and i also talk a bit about this blog (which is now so old it’s in its last year of primary school) listen to us here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04c13bz share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | leave a comment » the loneliness at the end of the story posted on september 13, 2016 by mentally interesting mark’s piece has made me want to try and put something into words that i’ve long struggled to, and that i probably will struggle to now (edit: reading over this, yeah, i did). i am struggling to write generally at the moment. continue reading → share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 1 comment » hiraeth/west belfast/home posted on august 6, 2016 by mentally interesting been a while, sorry about that. i’ve been in complete survival mode lately, just trying to get through the days and collapsing at night, with oisín’s sleep all over the place so i’ve been knackered. but somewhere in the back of my mind- and often at the forefront- is, “does it have to be like this?” do i have to work full time in london and commute 3 hours a day and only see my baby before bedtime, and weekends (although luckily i can work from home once a week too) , and work in a fairly responsible well paid job and still have to claim housing benefit in order to put a roof over our heads, paying more than half my wages still to rent? it’s a dilemma that is tediously ordinary- most people who live in london have had it. many do leave. at the moment though, we have no choice. the other viable option is to move, “home”- “home” to belfast, and belfast has no jobs. especially not in my niche, very london-centric field. i still have some sad ambitions of being a writer and making money off that, but again, the other tedious dilemma (and truth) is that we rely solely and utterly on me to make sure we aren’t homeless and hungry, and that also traps me in full time work, and makes me afraid to take any risks. the pressure is massive and sometimes i feel like my brain is going to explode from it, but i’ve still stayed largely well so *fist bump* but the financial noose is tightening, and we will never be able to have another kid here. life is very short. if someone handed me a wad of cash tomorrow and said, “go back to belfast”, i’m not sure i would. belfast is the place i ran away from as a wild eyed, manic 17 year old. my parents always expected me to come back, each year, each phone call, and i never did. now my mum has moved out of the hated house of so many teenage miseries, where my dad turned yellow and died, and i don’t have a real sense of attachment to where she is now, or to those memories. i was incredibly unhappy there. it was a small minded, petty, violent, frightening shithole. it gave me many an interesting tale to regale kent dwellers who’d never seen a machine gun, but so many memories i would drown in the deepest if i could, and i have tried. as a weird teen i dodged bottles and stones and spittle and i couldn’t wait to leave and took the first chance i could to. why would i go back? it’s defeat. brexit makes it all the more uncertain – economically, ni relies a lot on the eu, and should the border come up again there will be hell to pay. but…but. my uncle was on youtube the other day and he found this: that’s my dad. that’s my dad, speaking, real and alive in 1998, vox-popped about the good friday agreement in a graveyard. i haven’t heard his voice in a decade, i had forgotten it. had forgotten how softly spoken he was when not drunk, and his wispy ever windblown hair. i had forgotten the smell of that coat- that very one, with pear drops packets always crumpled in the most remote pockets- the musty, male charity shop scent. i had forgotten that khaki grass and listless sky. i didn’t cry when i saw this video, although i watched it in silence about 10 times. then i showed it to my son (who at 17 months doesn’t understand, but will one day). i don’t know what i felt or feel watching it, sadness, longing, a certain sense of pride, nostalgia? a similar feeling i get on the taxi ride back from the airport when i visit, landscapes, all wrapped up indelibly in each other. the mountains and trees and the graffiti. of being there and leaving at the same time. sometimes i feel as though my dad has flattened and become part of it, instead of the person, but most times i know that’s because it’s a preferable feeling to the chest crushing grief and regret of his fullness and life and death. i’m from west belfast in northern ireland- from right here, to be precise: i used to get incredibly angry when people said i wasn’t, “really irish” because i was from the north. because i was from west belfast, which is poor, republican, nationalist, bilingual and which is an area that has suffered in every sense for it- economically, physically, emotionally- it felt like we had fought for the right to identify as irish. that being really irish is being a fighter. i was a right wee chuckie when i was a kid, because you were, being from there. i tried to explain this badly on twitter one evening, when the vote for bombing syria was happening. as a kid, you can’t rationalise that there’s reasons for things, you don’t know the mechanics of the ira, they weren’t the ones on our streets with machine guns, raiding our houses, and you will hate the occupying outside force with a greater strength and unite against them, no matter who the internal bastards are, if they’re not the bastards dropping bombs on your head. it will backfire. i was a kid at the end of the troubles and still lived through stuff i’d rather forget. i tried to articulate having this feeling as a child, who hated the british army and bottled them gleefully, and was told to, “do one” and then blocked by a fairly well known tv journalist. i understand why, of course, but i’ve tried to explain a thousand things about being from there, and have failed and have never been understood once in the 14 years i’ve lived here, or it been understood i’m always talking from the perspective of a relative child. the more i’ve tried to explain and failed, and the less i’ve been understood, the less i’ve minded being not, “really irish”. because i’m not. i’m northern irish. with different culture, frame of reference, art, really fucking awful tv programmes, slang, politics, worldview. i’m not a nationalist, and i’m only a republican in the true sense of the word, but i’m not really irish. but the, “not really”, at least for me, gave me a shaky sense of belonging when growing up. a sort of unwanted feeling- the south didn’t want us (how as a child i wanted them!), the mainland certainly didn’t (fairly understandable really)- that i still sort of have now, living in london for my entire adult life. i’ve never felt like i belong here, either. you are, to an extent, whether you like or not, a product of your environment, and i don’t know how much my sense of ill fitting is just my personality or is a culture clash. i have quite a dark, morbid sense of humour, which strikes me as a northern irish trait, a doggish type of friendliness and energy, which also does and puts me at odds with quite a lot of people i met, i tend to say what’s on my mind and talk much more quickly than my thoughts are formed which means i talk a lot of shite. i find myself always trying to shut up. and speaking in generalities. i prefer myself when i’m in belfast. but that could just be romanticising, just be trying to find a connection, a place called home. i don’t feel at home here, but when i do get that throb for home, i don’t know where that is or what it means- if it’s qualities i have i wish i could share with people, or my family, or the landscapes (i got a bit emotional going through yorkshire a few weeks ago, it wasn’t flat!) or the sense of humour, or the people. whether it’s inside of me, or outside with my husband and son, or everywhere, or even in bits of london that i would miss massively. i moved a lot as a kid and i continued to when i moved to london. i’ve moved 10 times in 14 years, to find home, and i still haven’t. whether it ever existed at all, or would again, or what it would be. i’m not and never will be english, and feel such a sense of shame over england politically i often don’t want to live here. the closest i’ve come to pinpointing it was when i watched the irish animated film, song of the sea, just after my child was born. it’s rich with mythology, beauty and humour, and is a study of grief and loss. and mythology was a way i made sense of my own feelings as a child. to understand my own sense of not – belonging, i used to walk around my parent’s room with a mirror that had broken off a dressing table. i tried to get into that world beyond, the mirror world that existed in our own, the tir na óg. i’d try to lose myself in the farmlands behind our house and talk to the horses and birds and imagine they understood me. but that is hiraeth because it can never be returned to, it doesn’t and never did exist. how will oisín understand himself or his feelings, with what reference? where will he belong or feel at home? watching a documentary about london back in the day, expansive, diverse, grand and historical, i thought if we moved him out of here he’d hate us for it. but it’s also transient, and many people we love face the same dilemmas and move on, but also probably will in belfast as adults, as i did. i don’t know whether i want to bring up my kid in a place of my defeat but i wouldn’t live in west belfast anyway. robert feels belfast as home- that one brief year he lived there affected him deeply- but it’s his home, birth home (not house, but place), we live in now, in streatham. and i like that, that forever and forever, our son will be from the same place as his dad, no matter where we go. belfast would have cousins for our son and people who could pronounce his name (although to be fair i’m sometimes unsure myself if i’m saying it right, because the south and north pronounce it completely differently). belfast is different now than it was, although still backwards in some ways. that in itself is sort of exciting when i feel like london is shrinking and pushing everyone not rich to the fringes. what’s the point of living in the biggest city in the world if you live on the edge of it? but there are still rarely visited streets in the centre which are maps of my early years here, where i remember. anyway, i was hoping i could write this all poetically and meaningfully and try to explain something profound or interesting, but instead it’s come out as a bit of a jumble. bollocks. share this:twittertumblrredditfacebooklike this:like loading... filed under: mental health | 5 comments » next page » become a fan on facebook become a fan on facebook email subscription enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. join 11,969 other followers creative commons copyright this work is licensed under a creative commons attribution-noncommercial-no derivative works 2.0 uk: england & wales license. . copyright seaneen molloy 2007-2012 archives in chronological order march 2017 m t w t f s s « feb 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 create a free website or blog at wordpress.com. wp designer. the secret life of a manic depressive create a free website or blog at 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