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skip to main content main menu archives about donate membership / log in social media sunday, apr 30, 2017 120 disturbing sunday post content luann, 4/30/17 despite its longstanding and frankly creepy obsession with the outer limits of bathroom behavior, luann has shown no interest in exploring similar frontiers in sexuality. sad, because a well-placed pair of hooves would’ve made today’s strip. pickles, 4/30/17 though if you had asked me which strip i thought would be first to feature cross-species sexytimes, i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t have said pickles. dick tracy, 4/30/17 i’ll willingly admit that dick tracy‘s all-in dive into anime/cosplay/furry culture has left me in the dust. i have no idea who “svengoolie” or “chimetra” are, for example, or whose trademark the realistically-drawn “connie mail wong” is trying to infringe/evade/appropriate/respect. but i think that third panel holds the key to the margies’ otherwise incomprehensible scam: their cosplay contest grand prize isn’t $10,000.00 like everybody thinks, but a cool ten bucks to the third decimal place. those clever margies will pocket the difference and laugh at the gullible rubes who will, in the grand dick tracy tradition, tear them limb from limb. –uncle lumpy about this post 120 comments dick tracy luann pickles saturday, apr 29, 2017 126 death, sex, and spider-man post content phantom, 4/29/17 hmmm … can’t shake a “feeling of death,” big guy? maybe it’s because you sleep cheek-by-jowl with your ancestors’ corpses, decorate yourself with skull jewelry, and live inside a gigantic death’s-head? nah. more likely it’s just a premonition that your city-bred wife, out stalking a pygmy tribal chief in the deep jungle, is about to get all slain by one of his adorable little arrows. crankshaft, 4/29/17 wait, sad to outlive your dreams? but that way you’d still be around to enjoy them after they turn into facts! sounds kinda nice — sign me up! not lillian, though — she’s lived in the funkyverse long enough to know this ain’t no disney movie (the depression cats are a giveaway). so she games the system, adopting only those dreams that will fail slowly enough to outlast her. that way, she can die basking in the delusion that her remaining dreams still had a shot. not like her dream to open a used bookstore above the garage — that sucker failed from the get-go and mocks her to this day. rex morgan, m.d., 4/29/17 ok, rex morgan has been setting up this porno for so long the only question left is the dramatis personae: niki and kelly, sure, but who’s on third: rich-girl holly — or kelly’s mom summer (ew)? and pace josh, niki’s actually far from a novice at this sort of thing: a decade ago, june blackmailed him into “cleaning her garage,” if you know what i mean. and that was before he got his wet hands all over rex’s trout. anyway, it’s great to see this classic soaper returning to its roots. its sexy, creepy roots. spider-man, 4/29/17 spider-man plugs marvel’s guardians of the galaxy franchise almost as hard as mary worth plugs carnival cruise lines. probably for more cash, but definitely with a lot less effort. never change, web-slinger! hello, faithful reader! i’m sitting in while josh enjoys a spring break chock-full of enjoyable activities on a colossal liner steaming around the caribbean, or maybe just sneaks out back for a delicious cigarette. either way, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any problems with the site. if you use the commenting feature, be aware that i’m notified automatically when a comment is placed in moderation, so there’s no need to alert me by email or in a follow-up comment. i’ll clear comments as soon as i see them, which won’t always be immediately. thanks for your anticipated patience! –uncle lumpy about this post 126 comments crankshaft phantom rex morgan, m.d. spider-man friday, apr 28, 2017 31 metapost: comedy! comments! vacation! post content hey everybody, a couple notes before we get to our weekly top comments. first: we are one week away from the first friday of the month, so you know what that means: the live comedy show i host, the internet read aloud, is looming! come to the clubhouse in los feliz to see me and some other insanely talented people perform onstage and tell jokes about the internet that we all know and love! don’t miss it! here is the facebook event, if you find those helpful in planning your social life. also: i’m about to take a little mini-blogcation, and as ever your favorite uncle lumpy will be here to fill in, so be nice to him! i’ll be back on monday may 8th. and now, your comment of the week, which shall reign supreme for a couple of weeks because uncle lumpy loves you all too much to choose amongst you: “the can’t-can’t.” –pamela zoslov, on facebook and here also are your runners up! very funny! “time to stare at the mailbox until that porn i ordered on amazon arrives!” –super luigi 64 “‘media’ is just latin for ‘middle things’, right? so this is probably just a comment on how hagar has lost his middle finger, very clearly shown in the first panel, and the prosthetic replacement he was hoping would be ready is still a distant dream.” –pachoo “dennis hears the adults around him chunter on about computer jargon and licks his lips as he realises there’s nothing they can do to stop him. he may no longer be a meatspace menace, but i guarantee he’s either raking in social security numbers and bank accounts, or he’s in the middle of writing some particularly grotesque viral fake news to disrupt the next european election cycle.” –schroduck “those are all the snails i collected at recess last friday. there’s a small hollow under the tree in the corner of the playground, so when i crawled inside i met the ancient one, the black goat of the woods, shub-niggurath! he’s just covered in snails! i just can’t wait until monday!” –chareth cutestory “you know how i can tell mason jarre doesn’t recognize sarcasm?” –lumaca morente “slipping on a banana peel: the musical” –rejax, on twitter i was in college and reading j.d. salinger’s story ‘for esme with love and squalor’ when i realized that ‘esme’ is pig latin for ‘mess’ (and what better way to say ‘mess’ than in pig latin?) so, derek hoosier, if you’re going to have an affair with a showtunes entertainer in an enclosed environment with mary worth hovering, do make sure your new beloved is an emotionally troubled woman. i’ll bring popcorn.” –handsome harry backstayge, idol of a million other women “gosh, i like all the pretty costumes, like little bo peep the axe murderer and her sidekick elf without pupils. yep. real pretty.” –made of wince “i wish there was room in the panel for mason’s thought bubble while cindy prattles on. it would just be an oscar and a bunch of dollar signs.” –doctor handsome “auuuuugh! that pizza is getting cold. shut the hell up already!!!!!!!!” –col.havoc “don’t forget to bring your chips, chipper! (pun intended!) because some guys from the gambino family tell me they want to help you cash them in! (pun possibly intended, i’m really not sure, it’s hard to tell verbal nuance when someone’s threatening your kneecap with a power drill.)” –voshkod “a bald funeral director stands behind a podium, surrounded by preternaturally happy faces. an unidentified woman films the proceedings at the tomb of the unknown soul stealer. yep, the creators of gasoline alley definitely have direct access to my nightmares.” –victor von “i must admit that at first glance, i read dot’s line as ‘what kind of cellophane did you have?’ you know how kids these days love their cellophanes! ‘we had the real crinkly kind, the kind that sounds like a camp fire! hey, dot! better pull your mukluks out of the cellophane before they scorch! that kind.'” –deacon blues “starlord, eh? and he’s from my world? he sounds dreamy! tell me, is he a shadowy, stubbly drifter who’s capable of retracting his head into his jacket like a turtle? and does he have a beautifully maintained pompadour with a single wayward forelock? ‘cause that’s how i picture him!” –joe blevins “looks like mr. wavering is suffering from yellzheimer’s! ha ha!” –steve s “it’s good to see rocket quote, verbatim, the memo the amazing spider-man team received from marketing.” –dan “well, i guess that’s one reason we should’ve played basketball. right, jeffy? jeffy? keep making splashing noises, jeffy!” –droopy says “yeah, too bad you already invested all that money in uniforms and equipment just to play five-man baseball on your street. what are you going to do with that riding field-line chalker now?” –pugfuggly “it’s been my experience a woman who wears a top hat is usually a real tornado in the sack. they know how to ‘work the ol’ stovepipe’ if you know what i mean.” –mumblix grumph thanks to everyone who became a comics curmudgeon supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on patreon! and as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers: two party opera: a daily comic that features the presidents of the united states as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging. oh hey, and don’t forget, i wrote a book! you can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. it’s called the enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy. if you would like to buy advertising on the comics curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my buysellads page. about this post 31 comments metaposts older posts! comment of the week the can't-can't. —pamela zoslov posting and discussion policies privacy policy email josh all post content © 2004–2017 joshua fruhlinger. comics reproduced here for purposes of review only, and all rights remain with their creators; please don't sue me. all comments remain the property and responsibility of those who posted them. blog powered by wordpress, which is way cool. hosting provided by servint internet services, who are lovely people. site designed by the charming and talented adam norwood; logo designed by the talented and charming francesco marciuliano. this blog was once known as i read the comics so you don't have to. it is in no way affiliated with funny paper, which used to read the comics so you don't have to, and may do so again. are you still reading this? why are you still reading this? a.l.


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