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Titlehollow tree ventures

Length: 20, Words: 3
Description a humor blog about parenting, marriage, and falling on my face, both literally and figuratively.

Length: 96, Words: 15
Keywords pusty
Robots
Charset UTF-8
Og Meta - Title exist
Og Meta - Description exist
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Words/Characters 3993
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Headings H1 0
H2 10
H3 5
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H6 0
H1
H2
when kids get sick
when you get sick
it all comes down to saline
enter to win!
search me ::shrug::
htv in your inbox
want htv stuff?
i heart sponsors
join in the fun!
be cool - don't steal.
H3
can you survive cold season with kids?
20 things you never want to hear from your kids
37 ways to fail at perfection
the ultimate automated dial-in menu for moms
my kid is doing honesty wrong
H4
H5
H6
strong
quit chasing each other through the kitchen while i'm trying to cook!
b
quit chasing each other through the kitchen while i'm trying to cook!
i
quit chasing each other through the kitchen while i'm trying to cook!
em quit chasing each other through the kitchen while i'm trying to cook!
Bolds strong 1
b 1
i 1
em 1
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--> home about meet robyn where i am on the web my books favorite posts most clicked laughs as the dollhouse turns we thought you’d never ask crafts reviews hire me awesomeness for hire! advertise editing graphic design consultation subscribe books can you survive cold season with kids? cough and cold season is here, and i'm teaming up with boogie wipes and saline soothers to help you and your family feel better faster with a cough & cold giveaway. when kids get sick from the first sniffle to feeling downright sick, boogie wipes has tips, tricks and hacks to guide you through the entire cough and cold season (including great information on how to keep germs from spreading between siblings!) click here to read through their cough and cold survival guide and be prepared for the season. when you get sick it's bad enough when your kids aren't feeling well, but when you aren't feeling well, it's downright miserable. while there's no cure for the common cold, saline soothers nose wipes provide soothing comfort for sore noses with natural saline, vitamin e, aloe and chamomile. click here to learn more about saline soothers and grab a coupon. it all comes down to saline whether you reach for saline soothers or grab your kids' boogie wipes, it all comes down to natural saline. the natural saline in both products dissolves mucus, while the vitamin e, aloe and chamomile soothe and comfort even the most sensitive skin. click here to learn more about the benefits of all-natural saline. enter to win! stock up on your cough and cold supplies so you're ready when sickness strikes this season. complete the form below to enter to win! (click here to enter if you do not see the form.) one winner will be randomly chosen to receive boogie wipes, saline soothers, burt's bees cough drops, purell hand sanitizer, davidstea cold 911 tea and color-changing mug, plus a $100 target gift card. giveaway ends on monday, november 21, 2016 at 11:59 pm et. giveaway is open to residents in us and canada over the age of 18. if winner lives in canada, alternate gift card will be provided of same value. i hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and i hope you come back! please share inappropriate giggles with me on pinterest, twitter, and facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing! posted by robyn welling please click to comment! (0) tweet labels: parenting, sponsors are awesome 20 things you never want to hear from your kids there are few things as important to parents as communication with our kids. from the time they’re born we can’t wait to hear what they’re thinking—like what’s going on in their heads when they spend 20 minutes laughing crazily at a beam of sunshine, and why do they insist on eating random things they find on the sidewalk?!? we want them to understand us when we say, “don’t put your gum on the dinner table—this is why we can’t have nice things!” and for them to be able to just tell us what’s bothering them instead of screaming inconsolable toddler-babble about it for two hours straight. of course i’m kidding (sort of); what we’re really waiting for are the i-love-yous and the bedtime songs, we’re listening for coos and babbles to evolve into mama and dada. eventually we hope to be lucky enough for them to grow into tweens and teens who continue to tell us what’s bothering them, and who understand us when we say, “seriously, stop putting your gum on the table—this is why we still can’t have nice things!” but with the good comes the not-so-good, and all too quickly we learn that every conversation isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows. as much as we love the idea of communicating with our kids, there are some things we just never want to hear. 20 things you never want to hear from your kids: 45-minute recaps of their favorite cartoons. a request for you not to look in the toilet for...uh...no particular reason. “my sock is lumpy.” “i can’t find my shoe.” “i don’t need to go potty, i just peed in the pool!” a reminder it was your turn to bring a class snack...as you’re dropping them off at school. four-letter words they weren’t supposed to overhear. in-depth descriptions of bodily functions. any confession involving permanent marker and a sibling’s face. an honest opinion about your new haircut. one of those knock knock jokes that never seem to end. racy lyrics to a song that, in your defense, they really should have edited for radio. any indication they’ve noticed that the store you’re in has a toy aisle. news that the class pet is coming home with them over spring break. “mommy, i dropped my toy again” coming from the backseat, 372 times in a row. an unsolicited reassurance that the cat is fine. “look, i cut my own hair!” “uh oh, i don’t feel so good…” “...bring me the puke bucket!” unexplained silence. the silence can be especially terrifying, since it tends to signal that your kid is off somewhere painting the dog purple or unloading the tupperware drawer into the toilet. but it can be scary for another reason, too. when my now 14-year-old was about six, he gradually stopped responding to me when i called his name. he was always a pretty studious kid, so at first i assumed he was so absorbed in what he was doing that he’d blocked everything else out. okay, maybe i also wondered if he was just plain old ignoring my pleas to get him to eat dinner or get ready for bed. eventually i started to realize something was really wrong...and that’s when the unexplained silence that had become his usual response started getting scary. he didn’t seem to hear me at all if he wasn’t looking straight at me, and when i did get his attention he’d lean in closely and study my lips when i talked. i was afraid his hearing had been impacted by the fact that he was born three months premature; he’d already outgrown the few developmental delays he’d dealt with after birth, but occasionally some other complication would arise. what if hearing loss was one of them? so i took him to the doctor, and (luckily) discovered the issue was caused by fluid trapped in his ears; after surgery and the insertion of tubes, his hearing returned to normal. his speech development was still impacted though, and he needed speech therapy for a few years in school. the influence hearing has on hitting communication milestones is no joke, people. if you find yourself in a similar situation, notice language delays, or see any signs your kid might have trouble hearing, get to a doctor or hearing specialist (you can easily find one on cochlear’s iwantyoutohear.com website) right away for a diagnosis. even if you don’t have a relatively simple fix like ours, cochlear implants might be able to help improve your child’s hearing. in operation for over 30 years, cochlear is the global leader in implantable hearing solutions, providing products (cochlear implants and bone conduction), and helping over 450,000 people worldwide have access to sound. they’re passionate about connecting parents to resources, support, and information on hearing loss—and if you decide cochlear implants are right for you and your child, they become a lifelong partner in finding and updating solutions that work for you. as i experienced after my son’s surgery, there’s nothing on earth like the wide-eyed look you get from your child when they clearly hear your voice again for the first time in a long time (or for the first time ever). just prepare yourself for the fact that opening up the lines of communication can mean i-love-yous and bedtime songs, but it also means opening yourself up to lengthy conversations about pokemon. it’s totally worth it, though. this post made possible through the support of cochlear. all opinions and toilet-water-soaked tupperware are my own. i hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and i hope you come back! please share inappropriate giggles with me on pinterest, twitter, and facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing! posted by robyn welling please click to comment! (0) tweet labels: children, development, helpful tips, humor, kinda serious-ish, list lover, parenting, sponsors are awesome 37 ways to fail at perfection if you've spent much time on this planet, at some point or another you've felt pressure to be perfect. maybe that pressure was coming from someone else, and maybe it was coming from within yourself—a little teenage-you voice inside your head telling you that a pimple on the end of your nose was the end of the world, or a mom-you voice saying that you should do more baking or crafting or that you should actually be able to remember all your kid's friends' moms' names, which frankly i don't even think is scientifically possible—but one way or another we've all felt the pressure to be more. be better. be perfect. but nobody is perfect, so at some point we've also all failed miserably at trying. here are just a few examples of ways i might be failing at perfection on any given day of the week (most of them on days during this particular current week): brought a class snack to school on the wrong day. couldn't fight my way back out of my spanx. hemmed my daughter's pants, but somehow managed to sew the legs together instead. asked my kid how to use snapchat, which apparently is about as lame as you can possibly be while attempting to be cool. then was reminded by my kid that he's not allowed to use snapchat. wore the perfect shade of lipstick...on my teeth. made a beautiful, pinterest-inspired dinner that tasted disgusting. took 857 attempts to get one decent holiday family photo. wore some sexy new jeans—then got home and realized there's a sparkly my little pony sticker on my butt. told my husband a really funny story because i knew it would make him laugh. which it did. the day before, when he'd told the story to me. okay, so if you're counting (and still remember the title of this post), you'll notice that i didn't actually list 37 ways to fail at perfection. but i have a good reason for that. you guys. if you've been here for a while, you're not going to believe this. remember how, a million years ago, i used to be a writer? well brace yourselves, because...i still am. i know. based on the fact that i only put up a new post here once every eighteenth blue moon and i suck on ice about linking to articles i write on other sites, you probably thought i forgot how to computer. but i do still write, and in fact, i'm in a new book that's being released today!!! it's all about people's attempts to be perfect—and their hilariously spectacular failures. thirty seven of them, to be exact. my essay in the book goes all the way back to when i was in my early twenties. it starts off like this: and then it goes downhill from there. or uphill, depending on how much you like stories about people who lose their eyebrows thanks to questionable dating choices. i realize now that makes it sound like i ended up dating the nymphomaniac. let me be very clear that i did not date the nymphomaniac. the nymphomaniac did, however, give me a very heartfelt and oddly religious christmas card as i was moving out of that apartment, even though we had never spoken to each other before that moment and i'm pretty sure it wasn't near christmas. but that's a different story for another time. back to the book! if you've ever tried to be perfect and failed, you're not alone. in this humorous collection of stories, 37 women detail their misguided quest for perfection and the epic failures that result. get your copy of i just want to be perfect (the fourth book in the best-selling series) today, and laugh along with us at the silly and impossible pursuit of perfection. yes, it's available right this very minute, so go pick up a copy (or several) right now! it'll probably be the most perfect thing you do all day. awesome contributors: jen mann - people i want to punch in the throat / i just want to pee alone bethany kriger thies - bad parenting moments deva nicole dalporto - mylifesuckers julianna wesby miner - rants from mommyland lola lolita - sammichespsychmeds / mockmom kim bongiorno - let me start by saying alyson herzig - the shitastrophy kathryn leehane - foxy wine pocket harmony hobbs - modern mommy madness erin dwyer dymowski - sisterhood of the sensible moms tara wood - love morning wood kelcey kintner - the mama bird diaries lisa rené leclair - sassypiehole joelle wisler - joelle wisler, writer christine mcdevitt burke - keeper of the fruit loops meredith spidel - the mom of the year meredith gordon - bad sandy nicole leigh shaw - nicoleleighshaw.com allison hart - motherhood, wtf? jennifer lizza - outsmarted mommy suzanne fleet - toulouse and tonic ak turner - vagabonding with kids robyn welling - hollow tree ventures ashley fuchs - the malleable mom kim forde - the fordeville diaries e.r. catalano - zoe vs. the universe chrissy woj - quirky chrissy stacey gill - one funny motha wendi aarons - wendiaarons.com jen simon – jensimonwriter.com janel mills - 649.133: girls, the care and maintenance of. jessica azar - herd management susanne kerns -the dusty parachute audrey hayworth - sass mouth hedia anvar - gunmetal geisha christine organ - christineorgan.com shya gibbons - shyagibbons i hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and i hope you come back! please share inappropriate giggles with me on pinterest, twitter, and facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing! posted by robyn welling please click to comment! (0) tweet labels: a cry for help, culture, gift idea, girl talk, humor, i'm having too much fun, list lover, my book the ultimate automated dial-in menu for moms as much as i hate getting stuck on the phone with a robotic voice every time i try to call the cable company, i understand why it’s a necessary evil. i mean, they can’t possibly have a real person field millions of random requests and complaints 24 hours a day! hmmm…. who else does that? oh right! moms. wouldn’t it be nice if moms could set up our own automated menu to sort through the constant demands from our kids? to decide which ones are legitimate requests in need of real live help and which ones can be answered just as easily by a robot? here’s what it would sound like: ring, ring, ring… thank you for calling your mother. your call is very important to me…unless i haven’t had coffee yet, in which case back away slowly and try your call again later. i’m sorry i can’t come to the phone right now, but considering i’m probably busy cleaning your pee off the bathroom floor or washing the laundry you crammed between your bed and the wall, i’m doing the best i can. please listen carefully to the following menu; your issue will be resolved in the order in which it was received, provided no one drops the phone in the toilet before then. if you want mac and cheese, press 1. if you want mac and cheese but i’ve basically ruined your life by serving it to you in the wrong bowl, please press 1 really hard and hold it down until i get you a new bowl or go insane, whichever comes first. check out the rest on mommy shorts! i hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and i hope you come back! please share inappropriate giggles with me on pinterest, twitter, and facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing! posted by robyn welling please click to comment! (0) tweet labels: are you trying to make me crazy?, children, girl talk, humor, parenting my kid is doing honesty wrong i swear, i try my best to raise my kids right. well, maybe "try" and "my best" are a bit too strong. and "right" isn't exactly the word i'm looking for, either. but i am usually nearby while they're growing up, so they can't help but soak up some of my parenting, even if it is mostly accidental. and like most parents, i thought i should teach my children that honesty is the best policy. because they should always tell the truth, no matter what. right? for the most part, this has worked out just dandy. we have them pretty convinced that lying will always make a situation worse, so when they're in trouble or we even suspect they might be up to no good, they'll almost always admit who's at fault. this has cut way back on the parenting effort i have to put forth. me (tucking zoe into bed): uh, it looks like your ds is still on. zoe: yeah, jake and i had it all planned out. we were gonna stay up all night playing pictochat through the wall. you'd better tell him we got caught when you tuck him in.see? she immediately cracked like an egg—no need for threats or an interrogation. easy peasy. except sometimes (often) it backfires. not that i don't want them to be honest, but let's face facts—i'm pretty lazy. and there's certain information that i just don't want to know, because then maybe i'm supposed to do something about it. husband: i noticed some hand prints on the bathroom mirror. zoe (arm shooting up in the air like we asked for volunteers to swim in a vat of chocolate pudding): i climb up on the toilet and lean way over onto the sink to look at my hair in the mirror and get stuff out of the medicine cabinet.now, see? there may be issues with hygiene and safety there that i just wasn't interested in dealing with at that particular moment. do you at least close the toilet lid before you use it as a ladder? and what exactly are you getting out of the medicine cabinet? do i need to boil my toothbrush? these aren't things a lazy mom wants to think about. and while we're on the subject of laziness, i also don't want your confession to give me yet another thing to discipline you for. me (yelling at two rambunctious children): quit chasing each other through the kitchen while i'm trying to cook! (four seconds elapse. zoe comes shooting through the kitchen again.) zoe: mommy! mommy! me: what??? zoe (now in the living room): nothing, i just wanted to distract you while i cut through the kitchen again.really? now i have to do some complicated trigonometry-based discipline equation in my head. three demerits for coming in the kitchen, plus two points for being honest about trying to distract me, carry the four, multiplied by two demerits for being so honest about trying to distract me that it dances dangerously on the edge of sass, divided by the fact that i'm up to my elbows in salmonella-tainted raw chicken juice so i can't chase you around the house with a wooden spoon or whatever good disciplinarians do with their kids when they misbehave.i never was very good at math. by the time i finish my calculations, the smoke alarm is going off and i have to figure out how much butter it's going to take to pass off some charred lumps of coal as dinner rolls. what's worse is that she can't really differentiate between "good honesty" and "a little too true." zoe (to gran): i'm almost taller than you! gran: someday you really will be taller than me. zoe: of course i will. because when i get taller you'll be dead, and then you'll be lying down.luckily gran has a sense of humor about these things. so sure, honesty is the best policy, but is it ever okay—preferable, even—for your kid to lie? i guess i have to accept that there's some gray area; as much as i want to teach my kids to always tell the truth, there's a little wiggle room in there to allow for little white lies, the ones that save someone's feelings, or avoid spoiling their good time, or at least don't remind them that they'll be dead someday. or like when your kid finds a four-leaf clover—they get so excited, why ruin it by pointing out that it isn't even clover? besides, nobody wants real honesty, not the 100% all the time kind. in real life, we live in the gray area. if people really wanted the whole truth, nobody would ever ask, "do these pants make my butt look big?" we'd read all the ingredients in our candy bars before we ate them, and google the stuff that sounded like it might be an industrial solvent. every time you greeted someone with "how's it going?" you'd be asking for a two hour conversation about back pain and lanced boils. every shower in every bathroom on earth would be tiled in mirrors. nobody wants that kind of full disclosure. so kids, listen up. i love your honesty. but sometimes it's okay to keep things to yourselves. sometimes you can just say, "okay, mom" without giving me a bunch of information i didn't ask for; i definitely don't need you to point out certain truths, like when the lady next to us at the grocery store is really, really old, and i especially don't want to hear that kind of honesty at top volume. i'm not telling you to lie. just embrace the gray area within honesty. because sometimes people want to believe they found a four-leaf clover. even when it's a weed. photo credit: mischievous stare via photopin(license) i hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and i hope you come back! please share inappropriate giggles with me on pinterest, twitter, and facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing! posted by robyn welling please click to comment! (26) tweet labels: children, development, parenting, what did you say? older posts home subscribe to: posts (atom) search me ::shrug:: . htv in your inbox just click here (this won't hurt a bit): . want htv stuff? . robyn welling am i the best parent? or wife? or person? nope. not even close. welcome to htv, where you can read all about the shortcuts i take on my journey to becoming a somewhat passable human being. if history is any guide, i'll miss the mark entirely. view my complete profile i heart sponsors want to see your ad here? me too! one click can make it happen. join in the fun! all content is the sole property of robyn welling unless otherwise stated. powered by blogger. be cool - don't steal. this work by robyn welling is licensed under a creative commons attribution-noncommercial-noderivatives 4.0 international license. copyright: all of the content on this blog is copyrighted by robyn welling. written words or photos may not be used or reproduced without written consent from the author.


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cough and cold - 0.1% (4)
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