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august update http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/08/august-update.html
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i hate the residential treatment facility nonsense http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/07/i-hate-residential-treatment-facility.html
baggage https://www.blogger.com/profile/10987676583881923076
12:56 pm http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/07/i-hate-residential-treatment-facility.html
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july 4th and stopping medicine http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/07/july-4th-and-stopping-medicine.html
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long overdue update http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/06/long-overdue-update.html
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weight gain http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/05/weight-gain.html
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i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine... a life with nf1, bpd, rad, ld, ocd, add and ptsd. pages home faq about baggage faq about bug saturday, august 25, 2012 other blog if you are interested in reading the other blog, please email me at baggageandbug@gmail.com and i'll be happy to give you the link! posted by baggage at 5:51 pm 91 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest thursday, august 16, 2012 august update i haven't been writing much in here lately for a few reasons. first, i've felt the call to blog without being anonymous. i know that most of you who read here know where else to read about my life. (and if i know you and you don't know, please email me.) the other reason is that it is the same old stuff. day in and day out. bug is still in residential. they still continue to piss me off because they want me to do this, and this, and this and this and when i can't because of chemo or work or whatever reason, they act like i'm being an asshole or neglectful or something. i know you can't always read emotion in emails but i get emails like, "you are her mom and i think you really need to be involved with these meetings." well, no shit. but you schedule the meetings at the same time i am chemotherapy. so then what? i guess the last reason that i don't write much anymore is that as bug gets older, it becomes more frustrating. i don't want to write everyday about how bad i feel, how hurt i am, how upsetting the whole thing is. i live it everyday and i find it really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. i don't want to be a blog of negativity and sadness. anyway, i got a comment that says: i haven't read past a few blogs but already had to comment...wow...i don't know if anyone has mentioned this word to you, but what you are dealing with is a sociopath. google it. they aren't all serial killers. the thing is, she won't ever change. they aren't capable of it. they fake emotions. the sock around the neck thing...it was to manipulate. if she wanted to kill herself, she would have found a way. all you can do is to decide how much you want to let this person destroy you. i urge you to put your other family first. do not let her win. i was married to a person like this and i found the best course of action is to cut all ties. run as fast as you can. do it for your other children. please read about sociopaths. educate yourself and decide how you want to live the rest of your life. good luck to you. is bug a sociopath? this commenter is not at all the first person to suggest that. is bug doing better at residential? well, maybe, i guess. but in family therapy last week, she was talking about how she kept tying the socks around her neck so she wouldn't have to go to the level three house because she "didn't like that house" and the girls had a lot of drama. the therapist pointed out that her decision lead to almost three months in the mental hospital. she praised bug for being able to recognize why she did what she did. and then she asked if she would do anything differently now? and bug said no. i would do it all over again. so..there you go. bug will be 17 pretty soon. she still lives in a restricted level four house. she still does not attend public school. but as for the what the comment said....i made a commitment to bug. i adopted her. i'm not her mom when it is easy, or convenient, or fun. because being her mom is none of those things. but i can't run from her. she is still my responsibility, morally and legally. i don't know if she will ever come home. there has been talk about moving her to a group home type setting once she is removed from residential, where she would come home on the weekends and live there during the week. once bug turns 18, she will be free to do what she wants. i will not close my door on her. but there will be very strict guidelines she will have to follow if she wants to be in the house or be around her brothers and sister. the point is...being bug's mom can be excruciating. i have panic attacks before i go to family therapy. i dread phone calls. but she still is a child, who needed a mom, and i made a commitment. i won't let her destroy me, my husband or my other kids. but i won't just walk, or run, away. do i want her to come home or think that she would be able to function? no. no way. but i made a promise to get her to adulthood and i won't stop now when we are this close to the finish line. posted by baggage at 12:04 pm 41 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest tuesday, july 10, 2012 i hate the residential treatment facility nonsense i'm so angry right. doesn't anyone get it? this child, who is almost an adult, has destroyed everything in her path. she's like a tornado. she has burned every bridge. no one wants to be around her...not her old friends, her extended family, even her brothers and sister. all she wants is people to be fake. that's what i'm expected to do. go and visit and have a grand old time when i am still so angry at her that it makes me shake. she reported us to dfs over and over. she has disrupted and challenged every one of my relationships. but if i say anything about how i feel, then i'm the bad person. three months ago, she was tying socks around her neck every single day and trying to strangle herself. but now, because she is doing "well" that is all they talk about. how good she is doing and how reunification is the goal and how i better 1) go visit her a couple of times a week 2) miss work to go to family therapy 3) miss chemotherapy to attend her meetings which they schedule in the middle of chemotherapy even though i've told them a thousand times not to because i'm not available. oh, but i'm the bad guy. i'm the bad guy because i said that she seems disinterested when we went to visit her on the 4th of july. i'm the bad guy because i don't spend every day hanging out with someone that i don't like. i might love her but i sure as hell don't like her. she has been like an abusive spouse that i can't get away from. talking to her gives me panic attacks. seriously. but yet i talk to her, twice a week on the phone, and email three to four times a week. but that isn't enough, i'm supposed to neglect work, neglect my husband, neglect my other three children so i can go visit her multiple times a week. and i'm supposed to go to family therapy, even though we've gone to family therapy over and over and over again and you know what? it makes no difference. except to make me more angry. why the can't see that she is honeymooning, that her behavior is cyclical, that i have three other children, including one with cancer and a full time job and a husband and she can't take all of my time. i barely can breathe anymore. i barely am functioning. i could handle her going to the rtc a year ago, when my life was more steady. but now? i just want them to back the fuck off me. posted by baggage at 12:56 pm 32 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest friday, july 6, 2012 july 4th and stopping medicine the whole family went to see bug on the 4th of july. it was kind of awkward. there isn't much to talk about, because it almost seems like bragging. she isn't involved in what we are doing. we can't talk about stargirl's make a wish trip because bug can't go. everything is kind of...awkward. bug did tell me that she was planning on stopping her lithium. i had read that in a report that she had "insisted" she stop. i asked her why she wanted to stop and she said, "because i'm doing good and i don't like taking pills." i understand that she is on a boatload of medicine, but i tried to get her to see that the reason she was doing good was most likely caused or at least helped along by her medicine. that taking medicine for a mental illness is no different than stargirl taking medicine for her cancer, and we can't stop that even though stargirl thinks the medicine tastes like throw up. i told her that she was more than welcome to talk to her doctor and work with her to find a combination of medicines that makes her feel better. i asked what the doctor had said about her stopping lithium and bug said, "she thinks it is going to be a total failure." so there you go. the report i read said that they would give her a month to see how she does and if she isn't doing well, they will put her back on it. i thought i had gotten through to bug, but she wrote me an email today and said, "today is my first day without the lithium and i feel fine so don't you and [the husband] worry." so obviously she didn't get it. i wrote her back, explained that lithium will be in her system for five days, reiterated my points from wednesday and then told her that the lecture was over. the latest report i saw diagnosed her with bipolar disorder with rapid cycling. she seems to have gained even more weight since the last time i saw her, but she ate very sensibly at lunch, and told me that she swims everyday and goes for walks with the staff members. so they have her exercising and are teaching her good eating habits. i'm happy about that, and i hope it works. she told me that she had lost 10 pounds recently. i know she must feel so uncomfortable, especially in this horrible heat. so..yeah. that's the latest bug update. posted by baggage at 12:07 pm 25 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest monday, june 25, 2012 long overdue update so bug is doing well so far at the new facility. it is nice to have her so close, because i can pop over there to bring her things or to see her. before we were driving an hour and a half each way. bug has gotten to see stargirl twice now too, which both of them like. she is being moved to an unlocked house. they are changing the house she is in until a level four plus house and then making the level four house the unlocked house. i am a little nervous about that, because that gives her the opportunity to run, but hopefully everything will be ok. i am really pleased with the facility so far. they keep her busy, they have a lot of on campus activities for her to do. they are working with her to lose the weight she gained. she just had a psychiatric evaluation. after meeting with the doc they diagnosed her with: add/inattentive type generalized anxiety disorder panic disorder without agoraphobia bipolar ii disorder with rapid cycling post traumatic stress disorder (early childhood neglect) acute stress disorder so we'll see. the other facility was leaning heavily towards a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. since she has been there, she's had no self-harm and no suicidal actions. i'm guessing she is honeymooning, but hoping the meds are working and the place is working. i like her therapist a lot, she is no nonsense and doesn't allow bug to manipulate the sessions. right now we are talking on the phone twice a week and she can email me three or four times a week which is nice, although it makes the phone conversations somewhat difficult since we run out of things to talk about. i'm still not sure if she will ever come home, but i have some optimism that she will be able to get some help here. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. posted by baggage at 8:25 am 20 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest wednesday, may 9, 2012 weight gain to respond to the question about weight gain... i think several factors go into that. i don't feel like the former rtc really regulated bug's eating, although she did participate in a rec program. that seemed to be keeping the weight off. bug is not a small girl. she has wide shoulders and hips and at 16, her breasts are measuring a 40 dd and they think she could actually use an f cup. i think at some point she might decide to get a breast reduction. so she was doing rec, but then she ended up having some problems in rec. she stole from the rec supervisor several times and then she kept having altercations with other peers. in the last incident, she choked another girl during a softball game. so her ability to take part in rec was comprised. then, she spent much of the past 4 months in the psychiatric hospital. they had no rec program and she couldn't go outside at all. she went on several "food strikes" where she attempted to harm herself by not eating. because of this, i think they allowed her to eat whatever she wanted while she was in the hospital (although i think they allow the kids to eat whatever they want anyway.) if you have been reading for awhile, you know bug has always had food issues. she has hoarded food since she was 9. on top of all that, they have been experimenting with different medications. lithium was one they are trying her on, and that seems to have done some good in stabilizing her mood, but seems to have also made her gain weight. it hasn't been a good five months for bug's health, that is for sure. that all being said, bug already seems to be making progress at the new rtc. they encourage her to walk, they have her on an exercise program, including zumba which she really enjoys. the staff have been playing games on the wii with her that encourage her to move. they have her working with a new psychiatrist and also being seen by a medical doctor for weight gain. they are helping her learn healthy eating habits etc. i am hopeful that they will make some good choices for her. she did look good last week when i saw her. her hair has grown out and is a pretty strawberry blond color. she had a much more optimistic attitude and seemed to like the staff, especially one of the house staff that has been working there for 8 years. everything i have heard is that this place is one of the best. so we'll see. bug is going to have to want it though. it can be the best program in the world, but if she doesn't want to work it, then it won't work. because of their location (in an urban area vs a very rural area she was in before) she will have a lot more opportunities for field trips and experiences. they have a pool there. if she has good behavior, there are a lot of incentives, so hopefully she will be motivated. she is 16, she is running out of time to make some positive choices. i hope for her everyday. posted by baggage at 6:29 am 27 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest tuesday, may 8, 2012 sorry sorry i've been gone so long. i've been so busy and i go back to work next week. yuck. i saw bug last week. she has gained a lot of weight. probably 40 or 50 lbs. she is probably 250 lbs now or close. i'm not sure if it is the medicine, lack of exercise etc. they are working with her to get her on a healthy eating plan, an exercise plan and to work with her psychiatrist to get her on a good medicine combination. i like the new rtc. it is close and it is really nice. it looks like a college campus. bug's house looks like a jail though. her room is empty except for a bed. it basically looks like a jail cell without bars. but she is safe there and she told me she likes it. she doesn't like that she has to wear uniforms at the school, but i think it is great. i got her all the uniforms and some new clothes and shoes. she hasn't had any self harm yet. they did tell me she is having a lot of conflict with the other girls already, but that is pretty typical bug. i'm hoping she will write some for this blog. she has asked me about it. i think that would be very valuable to people with children in rtc, as well as parents who are dealing with this. i hope she gets stable soon. i hope we can work on rebuilding some sort of relationship. we have really had one or two positive interactions in the past five months. she tends to take everything out on me, and instead of talking to me, she screams and yells and calls me names, and then she loses her phone privileges. so we'll see. i'm still her mom and i'm still hoping, every day, for the best. posted by baggage at 9:03 am 29 comments: email thisblogthis!share to twittershare to facebookshare to pinterest older posts home subscribe to: posts (atom) blog archive ▼  2012 (36) ▼  august (2) other blog august update ►  july (2) ►  june (1) ►  may (2) ►  april (2) ►  march (4) ►  february (20) ►  january (3) ►  2011 (63) ►  december (6) ►  november (9) ►  october (2) ►  september (2) ►  august (19) ►  july (11) ►  may (2) ►  april (12) about me baggage mom to 3 kiddos adopted from foster care, stepmom to one kiddo, and wife to one awesome guy. view my complete profile knock knock. who's there? followers total pageviews subscribe to posts atom posts all 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