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Titleask a manager

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Description not sure what the hell your manager is thinking, how to ask for a raise, whether you might be in danger of getting fired, or more? ask your workplace questions here.

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open thread – may 26-27, 2017
should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth, employees are apathetic about company-wide meetings, and more
can i knit during work meetings?
4 updates from letter-writers
how can we get employees to follow our strict time-of-arrival policy?
how to put together a professional wardrobe without blowing your budget
accepting a big favor from employees, taking time off when you’re a one-person department, and more
my employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend
how to deal with a loud coworker
saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me
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1. should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth?
2. our employees are apathetic about our company-wide meetings
3. my friend is angry that i accepted freelance work that she would have wanted
4. my boss said we should feel like we have too much on our plates
5. interviewing with a chronic illness
1. student worker’s inappropriate use of group texting
2. is this job application horribly invasive or is it just me?
3. i share a desk set-up with an engaged couple
4. explaining a year of bad grades in college
 
1. should i accept a huge favor from my new staff members?
2. taking time off when i’m a one-person department
3. how can i push back on being forced to ask for donations?
4. my boss sends non-stop thank-you emails
5. interviewing when you’re not sure you want to leave your current job
show me a random post
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1. should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth?
2. our employees are apathetic about our company-wide meetings
3. my friend is angry that i accepted freelance work that she would have wanted
4. my boss said we should feel like we have too much on our plates
5. interviewing with a chronic illness
1. student worker’s inappropriate use of group texting
2. is this job application horribly invasive or is it just me?
3. i share a desk set-up with an engaged couple
4. explaining a year of bad grades in college
 
1. should i accept a huge favor from my new staff members?
2. taking time off when i’m a one-person department
3. how can i push back on being forced to ask for donations?
4. my boss sends non-stop thank-you emails
5. interviewing when you’re not sure you want to leave your current job
show me a random post
em 1. should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth?
2. our employees are apathetic about our company-wide meetings
3. my friend is angry that i accepted freelance work that she would have wanted
4. my boss said we should feel like we have too much on our plates
5. interviewing with a chronic illness
1. student worker’s inappropriate use of group texting
2. is this job application horribly invasive or is it just me?
3. i share a desk set-up with an engaged couple
4. explaining a year of bad grades in college
 
1. should i accept a huge favor from my new staff members?
2. taking time off when i’m a one-person department
3. how can i push back on being forced to ask for donations?
4. my boss sends non-stop thank-you emails
5. interviewing when you’re not sure you want to leave your current job
show me a random post
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em 16
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ask a manager http://www.askamanager.org/
topics http://www.askamanager.org/topics
archives http://www.askamanager.org/archives
ask a question http://www.askamanager.org/ask-a-question
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about me http://www.askamanager.org/about
what readers say http://www.askamanager.org/what-people-say
connect http://www.askamanager.org/follow
surprise me! http://www.askamanager.org/?random
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open thread – may 26-27, 2017 http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/open-thread-may-26-27-2017.html
work questions from friends, gilmore girls, jane austen, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/work-questions-from-friends-gilmore-girls-jane-austen-and-more.html
let’s have a remote staff retreat to publicly review everyone’s strengths and weaknesses http://www.askamanager.org/2015/03/a-remote-staff-retreat-to-publicly-review-everyones-strengths-and-weaknesses.html
help! my repetitive job is now invading my sleep! http://www.askamanager.org/2011/06/help-my-repetitive-job-invading-my-sleep-html.html
1,442 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/open-thread-may-26-27-2017.html#comments
open threads http://www.askamanager.org/category/open-threads
should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth, employees are apathetic about company-wide meetings, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/should-you-tell-an-interviewee-she-has-something-in-her-teeth-employees-are-apathetic-about-company-wide-meetings-and-more.html
bad use of their time http://www.askamanager.org/2011/09/what-will-make-meetings-useful-for-my-team.html
i love frequent meetings, my employee won’t stick to a schedule, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/i-love-frequent-meetings-my-employee-wont-stick-to-a-schedule-and-more.html
how long should interviews last? http://www.askamanager.org/2014/05/how-long-should-interviews-last.html
can i speak up about how our meetings always run way past the allotted time? http://www.askamanager.org/2015/05/can-i-speak-up-about-how-our-meetings-always-run-way-past-the-allotted-time.html
294 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/should-you-tell-an-interviewee-she-has-something-in-her-teeth-employees-are-apathetic-about-company-wide-meetings-and-more.html#comments
short answers http://www.askamanager.org/category/short-answers
can i knit during work meetings? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/can-i-knit-during-work-meetings.html
my boss is constantly texting and emailing during meetings http://www.askamanager.org/2016/06/my-boss-is-constantly-texting-and-emailing-during-meetings.html
my team bikes to off-site meetings, and i’m dreading it http://www.askamanager.org/2015/12/my-team-bikes-to-off-site-meetings-and-im-dreading-it.html
my office is really into corporate lingo http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-office-is-really-into-corporate-lingo.html
588 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/can-i-knit-during-work-meetings.html#comments
work habits http://www.askamanager.org/category/work-habits
4 updates from letter-writers http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/4-updates-from-letter-writers-5.html
inappropriate use of group texting http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/telling-your-boss-that-she-smells-misuse-of-group-texts-and-more.html
job application horribly invasive http://www.askamanager.org/2016/11/is-this-job-application-horribly-invasive-or-is-it-just-me.html
here http://www.askamanager.org/2017/02/update-is-this-job-application-horribly-invasive-or-is-it-just-me.html
desk set-up with an engaged couple http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/i-share-a-desk-set-up-with-an-engaged-couple.html
a year of bad grades in college http://www.askamanager.org/2017/01/did-my-manager-tell-my-employee-i-cant-do-my-job-keeping-my-negative-glassdoor-review-anonymous-and-more.html
telling your boss that she smells, misuse of group texts, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/telling-your-boss-that-she-smells-misuse-of-group-texts-and-more.html
where are you now? (a call for updates) http://www.askamanager.org/2016/11/where-are-you-now-a-call-for-updates-2.html
update: is my trainer sabotaging my work? http://www.askamanager.org/2016/01/update-is-my-trainer-sabotaging-my-work.html
48 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/4-updates-from-letter-writers-5.html#comments
updates http://www.askamanager.org/category/updates
how can we get employees to follow our strict time-of-arrival policy? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-can-we-get-employees-to-follow-our-strict-time-of-arrival-policy.html
should i be in trouble for occasionally starting work a few minutes late? http://www.askamanager.org/2014/10/should-i-be-in-trouble-for-occasionally-starting-work-a-few-minutes-late.html
should i tell a low-performing employee that she needs to arrive at work earlier? http://www.askamanager.org/2016/08/should-i-tell-a-low-peforming-employee-that-she-needs-to-arrive-at-work-earlier.html
is it worth making an issue over this employee’s lateness? http://www.askamanager.org/2015/04/is-it-worth-making-an-issue-over-this-employees-lateness.html
541 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-can-we-get-employees-to-follow-our-strict-time-of-arrival-policy.html#comments
workplace practices http://www.askamanager.org/category/workplace-practices
how to put together a professional wardrobe without blowing your budget http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-put-together-a-professional-wardrobe-without-blowing-your-budget.html
thredup https://padlock.link/2cze
thredup https://padlock.link/2cze
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thredup https://padlock.link/2cze
i want to complain about an annoying customer who works at the store next to ours http://www.askamanager.org/2015/10/i-want-to-complain-about-an-annoying-customer-who-works-at-the-store-next-to-ours.html
where’s the line between pretty clothes and professional clothes? http://www.askamanager.org/2016/06/wheres-the-line-between-pretty-clothes-and-professional-clothes.html
i’m getting a big raise — how should i manage my money? http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/im-getting-a-big-raise-how-should-i-manage-my-money.html
54 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-put-together-a-professional-wardrobe-without-blowing-your-budget.html#comments
sponsors http://www.askamanager.org/category/sponsors
accepting a big favor from employees, taking time off when you’re a one-person department, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/accepting-a-big-favor-from-employees-taking-time-off-when-youre-a-one-person-department-and-more.html
real vacation http://www.askamanager.org/2010/04/how-to-take-vacation-when-theres-always.html
posts http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/how-to-handle-pressure-to-donate-money-at-work.html
expecting employees http://www.askamanager.org/2014/03/my-boss-wants-everyone-to-donate-personal-money-back-to-our-employer.html
how to get info from job candidates who turn down our offers http://www.askamanager.org/2015/12/how-to-get-info-from-job-candidates-who-turn-down-our-offers.html
employer offered me a job but refuses to tell me the salary http://www.askamanager.org/2013/07/employer-offered-me-a-job-but-refuses-to-tell-me-the-salary.html
asking a staff member why he’s not going to our holiday dinner, i ghosted on a reference, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2016/11/asking-a-staff-member-why-hes-not-going-to-our-holiday-dinner-i-ghosted-on-a-reference-and-more.html
250 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/accepting-a-big-favor-from-employees-taking-time-off-when-youre-a-one-person-department-and-more.html#comments
short answers http://www.askamanager.org/category/short-answers
my employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-employee-constantly-talks-about-waiting-for-500-and-the-weekend.html
earlier letter http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/saying-how-are-you-feels-inauthentic-to-me.html
my older employee keeps talking about my age http://www.askamanager.org/2016/04/my-older-employee-has-an-issue-with-my-age.html
my employee keeps flirting with me http://www.askamanager.org/2014/06/my-employee-keeps-flirting-with-me.html
my manager says i’m too abrupt with coworkers http://www.askamanager.org/2015/05/my-manager-says-im-too-abrupt-with-coworkers.html
216 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-employee-constantly-talks-about-waiting-for-500-and-the-weekend.html#comments
being the boss http://www.askamanager.org/category/being-the-boss
how to deal with a loud coworker http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-deal-with-a-loud-coworker.html
can read it here https://www.inc.com/alison-green/how-to-deal-with-a-loud-coworker.html
addressing people by their first names, getting your job choice right the first time, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2013/11/addressing-people-by-their-first-names-getting-your-job-choice-right-the-first-time-and-more.html
update: my new coworker wants to forbid music in the office http://www.askamanager.org/2014/12/update-my-new-coworker-wants-to-forbid-music-in-the-office.html
my new coworker wants to forbid music in the office http://www.askamanager.org/2014/05/my-new-coworker-wants-to-forbid-music-in-the-office.html
169 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-deal-with-a-loud-coworker.html#comments
advice about your coworkers http://www.askamanager.org/category/advice-about-your-coworkers
saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/saying-how-are-you-feels-inauthentic-to-me.html
can you be a good manager if you’re shy? http://www.askamanager.org/2014/04/can-you-be-a-good-manager-if-youre-shy-2.html
my boss says i shouldn’t expect people to tell me when they’re too busy to talk http://www.askamanager.org/2016/12/my-boss-says-i-shouldnt-expect-people-to-tell-me-when-theyre-too-busy-to-talk.html
my boss and my coworker have heated arguments with f-bombs http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-boss-and-my-coworker-have-heated-arguments-with-f-bombs.html
522 comments http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/saying-how-are-you-feels-inauthentic-to-me.html#comments
workplace practices http://www.askamanager.org/category/workplace-practices
older posts http://www.askamanager.org/page/2
get my guide http://www.askamanager.org/how-to-get-job-e-book
- http://www.askamanager.org/how-to-get-job-e-book
learn how here http://www.askamanager.org/how-to-guide
- http://www.askamanager.org/how-to-guide
- http://www.askamanager.org/ask-a-question
- http://www.askamanager.org/how-to-comment
- http://www.askamanager.org/favorite-posts
open thread – may 26-27, 2017 http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/open-thread-may-26-27-2017.html
should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth, employees are apathetic about company-wide meetings, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/should-you-tell-an-interviewee-she-has-something-in-her-teeth-employees-are-apathetic-about-company-wide-meetings-and-more.html
can i knit during work meetings? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/can-i-knit-during-work-meetings.html
4 updates from letter-writers http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/4-updates-from-letter-writers-5.html
how can we get employees to follow our strict time-of-arrival policy? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-can-we-get-employees-to-follow-our-strict-time-of-arrival-policy.html
how to put together a professional wardrobe without blowing your budget http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-put-together-a-professional-wardrobe-without-blowing-your-budget.html
accepting a big favor from employees, taking time off when you’re a one-person department, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/accepting-a-big-favor-from-employees-taking-time-off-when-youre-a-one-person-department-and-more.html
my employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-employee-constantly-talks-about-waiting-for-500-and-the-weekend.html
how to deal with a loud coworker http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-deal-with-a-loud-coworker.html
saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/saying-how-are-you-feels-inauthentic-to-me.html
my boss fired me and won’t let me return to visit friends, skipping my boss’s barbecue, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-boss-fired-and-wont-let-me-come-back-to-visit-friends-skipping-my-bosss-barbecue-and-more.html
how to speak up when women in your office are called “girls” http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-speak-up-when-women-in-your-office-are-called-girls.html
are new managers supposed to be this stressed out? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/are-new-managers-supposed-to-be-this-stressed-out.html
how upset should i be about a re-hired employee’s quick resignation? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-upset-should-i-be-about-a-re-hired-employees-quick-resignation.html
how many doctor’s appointments are too many, nervous about mentoring a smart intern, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-many-doctors-appointments-are-too-many-nervous-about-mentoring-a-smart-intern-and-more.html
this gross app wants you to flirt with your coworkers http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/this-gross-app-wants-you-to-flirt-with-your-coworkers.html
6 lies your career center told you http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/6-lies-your-career-center-told-you.html
how can 20somethings know if something is worth complaining about or leaving a job over? http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-can-20somethings-know-if-something-is-worth-complaining-about-or-leaving-a-job-over-2.html
who should communicate a lay-off, asking for a raise after three months at a new job, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/who-should-communicate-a-lay-off-asking-for-a-raise-after-three-months-at-a-new-job-and-more.html
weekend free-for-all – may 20-21, 2017 http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/weekend-free-for-all-may-20-21-2017.html
how to deal with weird interview questions http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/how-to-deal-with-weird-interview-questions.html
open thread – may 19-20, 2017 http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/open-thread-may-19-20-2017.html
i love frequent meetings, my employee won’t stick to a schedule, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/i-love-frequent-meetings-my-employee-wont-stick-to-a-schedule-and-more.html
company decided they couldn’t afford to hire me after a lengthy interview process http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/company-decided-they-couldnt-afford-to-hire-me-after-a-lengthy-interview-process.html
update: i had a fling with my new boss’s then-husband http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/update-i-had-a-fling-with-my-new-bosss-then-husband.html
your coworkers are very dramatic http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/your-coworkers-are-very-dramatic.html
friends keep asking me to write their resumes, can i ask to resign instead of being fired, and more http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/friends-keep-asking-me-to-write-their-resumes-can-i-ask-to-resign-instead-of-being-fired-and-more.html
my manager told us we were going to be laid off — but she was wrong http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-manager-told-us-we-were-going-to-be-laid-off-but-she-was-wrong.html
the dark side of “unlimited” vacation time http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/the-dark-side-of-unlimited-vacation-time.html
i reported my sexist team to hr — and now they’re doing a much bigger investigation than i wanted http://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/i-reported-my-sexist-team-to-hr-and-now-theyre-doing-a-much-bigger-investigation-than-i-wanted.html

show me a random post

http://www.askamanager.org/?random
advice about your boss http://www.askamanager.org/category/advice-about-your-boss
advice about your coworkers http://www.askamanager.org/category/advice-about-your-coworkers
ask the readers http://www.askamanager.org/category/ask-the-readers
bad advice http://www.askamanager.org/category/bad-advice
bad interviewer behavior http://www.askamanager.org/category/bad-interviewer-behavior
being the boss http://www.askamanager.org/category/being-the-boss
cover letters http://www.askamanager.org/category/cover-letters
external recruiters http://www.askamanager.org/category/external-recruiters
family, spouses & significant others http://www.askamanager.org/category/family-spouses-significant-others
firing http://www.askamanager.org/category/firing
freelancing http://www.askamanager.org/category/freelancing
gimmicks won't get you a job http://www.askamanager.org/category/gimmicks-wont-get-you-a-job
happy endings http://www.askamanager.org/category/happy-endings
hiring http://www.askamanager.org/category/hiring
interesting jobs http://www.askamanager.org/category/uncategorized/interesting-jobs
internships http://www.askamanager.org/category/internships
interviewing http://www.askamanager.org/category/interviewing
jerks http://www.askamanager.org/category/jerks
job offers http://www.askamanager.org/category/job-offers
job search: following up http://www.askamanager.org/category/job-search-following-up
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ask a manager menu skip to content topics archives ask a question books affiliates about me what readers say connect surprise me! search change font size skip to sidebar open thread – may 26-27, 2017 by alison green on may 26, 2017 it’s the friday open thread! the comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything work-related that you want to talk about. if you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to talk to other readers. * if you submitted a question to me recently, please don’t repost it here, as it may be in the to-be-answered queue :) you may also like:work questions from friends, gilmore girls, jane austen, and morelet’s have a remote staff retreat to publicly review everyone’s strengths and weaknesseshelp! my repetitive job is now invading my sleep! { 1,442 comments } posted in open threads should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth, employees are apathetic about company-wide meetings, and more by alison green on may 26, 2017 it’s five answers to five questions. here we go… 1. should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth? our team interviewed a candidate today who got a large clump of lipstick on her teeth about 15 minutes in. no one brought it up. we talked for about an hour and got a good sense of her fit for the position, so it was actually a pretty good interview for us. but i kept imagining her discovering the lipstick blob afterwards and being embarrassed after the fact. i think none of us told her because she was young and we didn’t want to make her nervous, but i know i would have wanted to know if i were her. what would you (or readers) have done? was there any opportunity to say something to her privately (not in front of an entire panel of interviewers), and was there a way she could have fixed it privately (like on a bathroom break)? if so, you could have discreetly said something to her, ideally just at the start of that break so she could immediately fix it in private. if not, though, it’s a lot harder. i suppose in that case you could have suggested a break (even though you wouldn’t have otherwise had one) but if it was only an hour-long interview, that’s hard to do too. so ultimately, i think it’s okay that you didn’t say anything. not ideal, but it sounds like maybe it was unavoidable for it to play out that way. 2. our employees are apathetic about our company-wide meetings thank you for all your wonderful advice over the years, i credit it with the confidence i had in my latest interview. that interview resulted in a job as an administrator and hr in a design practice and i couldnt be happier. a slightly odd issue has arisen, odd to me as i’m used to a hardcore ride-or-die atmosphere in these type of offices. the senior management like to do a monthly company-wide meeting to show everybody the progress on current projects, as a way of keeping everybody in touch with the direction the office is going (it’s doing very well). the meetings aren’t long, 30 minutes tops, but it’s been noted that people are apathetic and have to be cajoled to leave their desks. i’ve been asked to, covertly, find out why. from what i’ve heard, people just want to do their work and this is “just a job, after all.” i want to grab them all by the shoulders and shake them! don’t they realize how lucky they are to work in a place that cares about their well-being, where everybody goes home at 6 (unheard of in our industry)? i’d expect designers to be passionate about their work, but does that passion only thrive in stressful environments? i’d love to hear any thoughts you have on staff engagement. lots of people hate meetings and find them inefficient and a bad use of their time, so the fact that people aren’t thrilled about attending isn’t terribly unusual. how’s their work? if their work is excellent and the company is getting the results it wants, then you may be creating an issue where there isn’t one. are there specific problems that you’re seeing that are caused by their lack of engagement with the sorts of topics discussed at these meetings? if so, you’d want to figure out what’s at the root of that — but focus on specific impacts, not just the fact that people don’t want to leave their desks. and if it turns out that there really is an engagement problem, that’s on the company to solve. if you look at it as “don’t these people realize how good they have it?” or “i want to shake them by the shoulders,” that’s putting the blame in the wrong place. rather, it’s that the company has messed up somewhere — in management, in hiring, in coaching, in communication, or whatever it may be — and needs to figure out out where and address it. 3. my friend is angry that i accepted freelance work that she would have wanted i have a question regarding freelance work in a professional community and when, if ever, is there an unspoken noncompete agreement in which someone has cornered a particular niche in a particular community. more specifically, i am a graduate student in a rather close-knit department. many graduate students supplement their income with freelance work (editing, writing, transcribing, tutoring, consulting, etc.). i have done freelance editing work before and recently a friend asked me if i would be willing to branch out into another sort of freelance work and i agreed. she wound up offering to more or less cover my summer expenses, so it’s a pretty great job. recently, several of my colleagues and i were discussing summer plans and i mentioned the job i’d landed (not the money of it, just that it was sizable freelance job). apparently it got back to another friend and colleague who has also done this exact sort of freelance work before a handful of times. she is now angry because she believes i should have turned down the job and referred my friend (who does not know her) to her instead. i want to be clear that this sort of freelancing is not something so specific that there would be a reason to choose her over me, and when she did this sort of work in the past it was sporadic enough that i only remembered she had done it when i discovered she was angry. so it doesn’t seem like she’s cornered a niche, but she is now insisting she has and complaining to our mutual friends about my integrity and claiming that i stole a freelancing job from her. so my question is twofold, first, how to proceed, and second, when are there unwritten rules about this sort of thing? she’s being completely ridiculous. the fact that she’s done similar projects before does not entitle her to be the only person in your program who gets to do them in the future. and even if she had somehow “cornered the market” (which it doesn’t sound like), that still wouldn’t insulate her from the possibility of competition. you’re allowed to pursue and accept projects on your own, regardless of how similar they might be to her experience or skills or interests. she’s just flat-out in the wrong here. i can’t tell if she’s said anything to you directly or if you’re just hearing about this through the grapevine. if the latter, there’s nothing you need to do; you don’t need to respond to rumors at all. but if she says something directly to you, you should feel free to say, “i was offered work by a friend and i accepted it. it wasn’t up for grabs; it was specifically offered to me.” also feel free to add, “i’m really confused about why you’d have any claim on it, but regardless, we’ll have to agree to disagree.” 4. my boss said we should feel like we have too much on our plates i recently had a performance review that went very well, except for one thing: when i said i felt like i was starting to feel like i was getting on top of things, my manager said that was bad. she said “i always want my team members to feel like they have too much on their plate.” i don’t know how to interpret that. it sounds like if i can keep up with my workload it means i’m lazy, but if i can’t it means i’m incompetent. is that how i’m supposed to feel? if not, what was i supposed to take away from that? it’s possible that she just communicated what she meant really poorly, but it’s also possible that she sort of sucks at this part of managing. it’s true that there are a lot of jobs where you’ll never strike the last item off your to-do list — there will always be more work that you could be doing. that’s just the nature of many professional jobs. but that’s not the same thing as feeling like you have too much on your plate. you can have an endless to-do list but still feel that your workload is manageable because you and your boss have jointly set realistic priorities and timelines. the problem only comes in if you have a months-long to-do list and a manager who expects you to get it all done at once. based on what you know of your manager, you probably have an idea of which of these is her style. 5. interviewing with a chronic illness i interviewed at a company last fall, but the hiring manager went with someone else within the company. i received a email from the hiring manager last week asking if i would be interested in another position in the company that pays more and has more responsibilities. he has reached out to me before posting the job on websites, and i am meeting him this week to go over details of this new position. i am excited about the job, as it is a step up from my current position which i feel i am ready to do. i also have a chronic illness. my current employer is pretty flexible if i need anything and i do work weekends. this schedule minimizes any issues with work pertaining to my illness. i hardly take days off and rarely leave early. the new position is monday-friday, but there seems to be room for negotiation. when do i disclose my illness to the hiring manager for this new job opportunity? how much should i disclose and what is the best way to bring the issue up? wait until you have an offer, and raise it then and see if you can negotiate what you’d need as part of the offer negotiations. part of the reason for that is that it doesn’t make sense to get into scheduling nitty-gritty until they’ve decided they’d like to hire you. the other part of the reason is that it removes the risk of unconscious bias impacting their thinking before they make an offer decision. when you bring it up, you don’t need to disclose details. you can simply say, “i have a health issue that requires x, y, and z. is that something you’d be able to accommodate?” you may also like:i love frequent meetings, my employee won’t stick to a schedule, and morehow long should interviews last?can i speak up about how our meetings always run way past the allotted time? { 294 comments } posted in short answers can i knit during work meetings? by alison green on may 25, 2017 a reader writes: i work in a federal agency. i’ve been in my current position for about five years, but have recently taken on some responsibilities that require me to be in several all-day meetings per month, some with coworkers in my office, and some with collegues from other state and federal agencies. i realized several years ago in college that i can focus a lot better if i have something to do with my hands and took up knitting and crochet. without that, my mind tends to wander and i click to another window on my laptop or open my phone. if i’m knitting, i can remain an active participant in the discussion. that said, i’m concerned that knitting might be seen as too “crafty” and unprofessional, or may be misinterpreted that i’m not paying attention. should i limit it to situations where the team already knows me, or not do it at all? or should i trust that after a few meetings, it’ll be clear that i’m able to knit and participate at the same time? until now, most of my long meetings have been conference calls, so it hasn’t been an issue because people couldn’t see me. this is going to really vary by office. there are some where this would be fine, and others where it would seem really out of sync with the culture. more offices will be in the latter group, i suspect. in the offices where it’s not fine, there’s a real danger that people (especially non-knitters) won’t understand what you explained here and will instead think that it’s a sign of problematic disengagement — that you don’t expect the meeting to be interesting enough to hold your attention and so you’ve brought something else to do, or that you just don’t care much and figure you might as well use the time for something else. if you have very high standing in your office, it might not be an issue … but i think the optics of it won’t be great in a lot of offices. so, how do you know if your office is one of those or not? i’d actually just ask a couple of people who you’re close to, “hey, do you think it would be weird if i was knitting during meetings?” if you get even one “yeah, it’d be a little off,” i wouldn’t do it. (also, unless you’re pretty senior, i’d include your boss in the group who you ask, since her opinion needs to carry some weight here.) you may also like:my boss is constantly texting and emailing during meetingsmy team bikes to off-site meetings, and i’m dreading itmy office is really into corporate lingo { 588 comments } posted in work habits 4 updates from letter-writers by alison green on may 25, 2017 here are four updates from people who had their letters published here recently. 1. student worker’s inappropriate use of group texting (#2 at the link) i talked to my student manager about the situation and we decided to observe the tour guide during the big event we had the next weekend. she was a model of professionalism during the event, so we decided to let the past texts go. however, the student manager also mentioned that she thought we should make up some kind of training material for team leads concerning situations like this. i agreed (a huge problem with this was myself and other team leads generally being unsure how much and what authority we actually had) and we sat down with the other team leads to hash one out. this wound up being extremely useful and timely because this past week we handed over our duties to new tour guides replacing us as the team leads and manager (we are all graduating seniors). our successors had completely taken over our duties under our supervision when another employee sent several pictures to my team’s group chat of the “outfit” he was planning to wear to a lingerie party to “get everyone’s opinion.” i happened to be in office with my trainee team lead when we received the texts and we were able to call the employee in and actually have training to use when speaking to him. thanks for your response and all the commentators as well! 2. is this job application horribly invasive or is it just me? (first update was here) i have a final update for you, not really an update, since it doesn’t involve that fascinating ceo, but it is an update on my job search. i recently got a fantastic position that has everything i want, it’s local, yet i can work from home, autonomy and freedom to work how i want, excellent pay and a ceo that is vested in my success and growth. and because kismet has a fantastic sense of humor, the path to this position was merely an introductory email and two phone calls. thanks to your lovely readers and commenters for their support and extremely kind words. 3. i share a desk set-up with an engaged couple i wish i had a better update. before jane could ever come back, we were all laid off effective immediately by the large conglomerate that we were a subsidiary of and the plant closed down (on the day new hire started, no less). we were all asked to leave the property. it was all very cloak and dagger, even the managing director was blindsided by it. everyone is still in shock. thank you and everyone else for answering and i’ll know how to act better next time. 4. explaining a year of bad grades in college (#3 at the link) i did not expect to have an update to my post, but i do and it’s a good one!  reading the comments from people who work in academics was reassuring and helpful, particularly those making it clear that situations like mine are actually not that unusual and that they always want students dealing with these sort of issues to come to them for help. the next time the dean of my college held open office hours for students, i went in and discussed the retroactive withdrawal policy with him. my university’s policy was much more strict than others, and i put together a pretty convincing argument on why i believed it should be changed. not only did he agree with me, but he made an almost immediate exception for my case! i sent in documentation clarifying the situation that caused my year of bad grades, and within 24 hours the failing grades were removed from my transcript. i know many of the comments said they didn’t think i had much to worry about, but i am so happy to have my gpa up by .5 and to have a year of w grades rather than es to explain! you may also like:telling your boss that she smells, misuse of group texts, and morewhere are you now? (a call for updates)update: is my trainer sabotaging my work? { 48 comments } posted in updates how can we get employees to follow our strict time-of-arrival policy? by alison green on may 25, 2017 a reader writes: i work at a nonprofit that operates in a very traditional office setting: business professional dress code, strict lunch hours, and a strict 9-5 day. in theory, this is done for efficiency and to allow employees to feel like they have more separation between their work and personal life. new staff tend to struggle with it when they first arrive since many other nonprofits they have worked for are more flexible about arrival times, making up time, pto, etc. as operations manager, i’m the one who constantly sends out the reminders to staff about office policies, hours among them. since i started in 2014, we go through a cycle: an email reminder that we work 9-5 so please be here ready to work by 9 a.m. goes out, it helps for about a month, and then folks begin to slide back into being 5, 10, 15 minutes late. for example, two weeks ago i addressed this problem in person and asked staff to plan their commutes accordingly. this morning, two-thirds of the staff were missing when work started at 9 a.m. on the one hand, commuting in our area can be unpredictable; traffic, mass transit, weather, all play their part in turning a typical 30-minute commute into an hour and a half battle. on the other hand, the people who are late are chronically late, and always for the same reason (metro, traffic, weather). the president is the particular stickler for this rule (though he himself is rarely on time), and among senior management there is now a discussion about setting up a new system to punish people for being late. i do not want to go down that route. we’ve had some staffing issues recently and i know that our inflexible office policies are directly related to people leaving. what alternatives can i suggest that will both enforce our policy but not punish the staff, especially when other members of senior management can’t seem to follow it? why not suggest changing the policy? obviously if strict arrival times are truly necessary to the work of the organization, you shouldn’t do that — but if they’re not, you should encourage your management team to revisit why they’re so committed to the current policy. well-run organizations keep the focus on results, and they try to give employees as much flexibility as they reasonably can. that’s part of how they attract and retain good employees, and it’s how they build cultures that care about results over appearances. and you might point out that you’re competing for good employees against organizations that are increasingly giving people this kind of flexibility. you could also point out that if they’re committed to this rule but can’t point to any real job-related needs for it, then it’s really, really not helping matters that the president is simultaneously insisting on the rule while ignoring it himself. that’s a good way to create a culture where people are cynical about the leadership and don’t see integrity as a particularly high organizational value. bad things come from that. however, if the work actually does require strict arrival times, then you need to change the way you’re enforcing the policy. stop with the all-staff emails. they’re not working, and they’re a pretty weak way of addressing this. instead, managers need to be responsible for ensuring that their staff arrive on time and addressing it with them directly if they’re not, just like they would with any other performance concern. and that should be easy to do, because if the work really does require people to be there precisely by 9, then there should be work-related impacts that managers can point to — like “your client was left waiting for 15 minutes this morning” or “jane was pulled away from her own work because she had to keep answering your phone” or “you missed a crucial team meeting this morning” or whatever the impact was. but it should be coming from their managers, not you. you may also like:should i be in trouble for occasionally starting work a few minutes late?should i tell a low-performing employee that she needs to arrive at work earlier?is it worth making an issue over this employee’s lateness? { 541 comments } posted in workplace practices how to put together a professional wardrobe without blowing your budget by alison green on may 25, 2017 and now a word from a sponsor… if you want to assemble a professional wardrobe but you’re on a budget – or you just really like shopping and don’t want to blow your bank account whenever you do it – you need to know about thredup.  thredup is the largest online store that buys and sells high-quality secondhand fashion for women and kids. you can shop on-trend, like-new fashion from top name brands and designers for up to 90% off.

90% off — that is basically like walking into someone else’s closet, taking everything you like, and paying them pennies on the dollar. and then walking out looking awesome. you can search by your favorite brands (like anthropologie, ann taylor, j.crew, banana republic, dkny, cole haan, theory, tahari, and tons more) and filter by size, color, price, and style to easily find what you’re looking for, without even having to leave your house. and they add thousands of additional items every day. if you’ve had bad experiences with shopping secondhand before, thredup is different. they triple inspect each item by hand to ensure all clothes are like-new, and a lot of their items are even brand new with tags. i’ve never had anything i’ve ordered from them arrive in a disappointing condition. in my most recent order, i spent $143 and got two tops from bcbg max azria and one from lucky, a skirt from banana republic, and a pair of cole haan mules – and saved $509.05 off of regular prices. $509 off. that is insanity. i got this bcbg maz azria silk top that retails for $178 for only $36.99 (a $141.01 savings). i got this banana republic skirt that retails for $118 for only $23.99 (a $94.01 savings). i got this bcbg maz azria top that retails for $78 for only $19.99 (a $58.01 savings). i got these cole haan mules that retail for $198 for only $41.99 (a $156.01 savings). i got this lucky brand tank top that retails for $80 for only $19.99 (a $60.01 savings). i’m also really into their clean out kits, where they send you the largest bag you’ve ever seen and you fill it with clothes, shoes, and handbags that you no longer want. you put it at your front door for pick-up, and then they pay you for your clothes. you can check their website beforehand to see what they do/don’t take and what your pay-out will be (or you can just tell them to donate anything they don’t want to buy from you). i do this at least once a year, and my closet is the better for it. and thredup is offering ask a manager readers a special discount: the first 100 people to use the code ask40 will get an extra 40% off their first order! (this applies to new u.s. customers only. discount up to $50.) disclosure: this post is sponsored by thredup. all thoughts and opinions are my own. you may also like:i want to complain about an annoying customer who works at the store next to ourswhere’s the line between pretty clothes and professional clothes?i’m getting a big raise — how should i manage my money? { 54 comments } posted in sponsors accepting a big favor from employees, taking time off when you’re a one-person department, and more by alison green on may 25, 2017 it’s five answers to five questions. here we go… 1. should i accept a huge favor from my new staff members? i’m a mid-level manager with a large, field-based team. i think i have a real camaraderie with the team, and upward feedback surveys show that as well. at most, i see each team member a few times a month, but we talk often. my team knows that i am single, new to the area, and recently bought a home. some of them offered to help me move, which of course i declined. i even got texts the day of the move, asking if there was anything they could help with, or offering to move anything i didn’t trust the movers to do! today i was talking to “bob” and “todd” on the phone and they asked how i was settling in. i said “great” and made a comment about how many odds and ends there are to buy, and that i should rent a van or something. they asked why i needed a that and i replied that i wanted to buy a rug, but can’t fit in in my car. bob and todd then offered to help — bob has a large truck, and todd offered to help carry. they even proposed a day after work to go. am i crazy for considering it? is this out of bounds? i wouldn’t ever want them to feel like i’m taking advantage of their kindness, so i would give them money or a gift card to a restaurant i know they like. what do you think? if you were peers, i’d tell you to accept their offer at face value (but not to pay them, because it can seem insulting to hand cash to someone who wanted to do you a favor, although buying them a meal or another gift is fine). but as their boss, the power dynamics make it trickier. their offer might be entirely genuine and they might make the same offer to any colleague, but it’s a muddier area because you have power over them. (and imagine if you needed to give one of them very negative feedback a few days after they do you this favor — it’s messy.) the reality is that a lot of managers would take them up on this offer anyway, and honestly, if you do, it will probably end up being just fine. but there’s definitely risk to it. if you want the safest course of action, it would be to decline the help, but tell them how much you appreciate the thought and that the offer was really kind of them to make. (be sure that you leave them feeling warm and fuzzy about the whole interaction, not like you snubbed their genuine offer of help.) 2. taking time off when i’m a one-person department i’m the only person in the it department serving support for 600+ employees at a company, which is crazy alone. i requested time off over a month in advance and sent a message to all department heads to ensure anything i needed to complete would be done a week prior to my absence. now, one of the owners of the company is requesting me to send them a back-up plan. no one can take over my position and they cannot afford to hire someone new. i work salaried so my hours are insane and i’m constantly exhausted. i need this vacation or i’m sure to quit. do you have any advice on what i can send them as a “back-up” plan? i do not want to have to answer my phone or emails. given the constraints of the current situation (including that they wouldn’t be able hire someone new that fast anyway), it sounds like they need an it firm that can provide backup support when you’re not available. it’s not just for this vacation; what would they do if you were out sick or hit by a bus or quit and left the position vacant? there are loads of reasons why there needs to be a back-up plan in place beyond just this vacation. ideally, you would have pitched this long before your vacation was looming, but you can do it now and point out that it will be necessary plenty of other times in the future as well. if they balk at the price or the logistics and pressure you to be available on your vacation instead, say this: “that really won’t be possible. i’m exhausted and in need of a real vacation where i can disconnect from work.” if needed, you can change that last sentence to “the place i’m going doesn’t have reliable phone or internet.” also, one it person for 600 people is insane. it might be worth you considering switching jobs (unless you love it there, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case) because this sounds pretty bad. 3. how can i push back on being forced to ask for donations? my office is doing a fundraising challenge. previously the fundraising team has sent out general emails about incentives for staff members who get people we know to donate, which i have ignored. i just learned that during tomorrow’s all-staff meeting, we are going to have to populate a list of names of people we know, tweet/facebook/email them right there (to ensure we do it?), and continue to follow up for the next few weeks until they give. i don’t want to do this. besides my personal distaste for asking people for money, this request is particularly tone-deaf given our nonprofit is trying to fight a growing perception of being transactional (rather than community-centered), and several of the people expected to fundraise are losing their jobs (to budget cuts) next month. i’ve read the posts about employers expecting employees to donate, but i’m not sure what to do when they’re expecting me to be the solicitor. (note: i’m currently in my notice period, so i’m not worried about job security if i politely refuse, but i don’t know what to say.) what would you do? gross. try saying, “my friends and family have made it clear they’ll unfriend people who solicit them for donations, so this isn’t possible for me.” if you’re asked if that’s really true of all of them, say, “yes, all of them. they really hate this stuff.” the fact that you’re in your notice period will make holding firm on this especially easy, but hopefully you’ll inspire some of your colleagues to do the same. it’s not that there’s anything wrong with involving staff members in fundraising work. it’s the insistence that people mine their personal contacts without giving them a choice that’s tacky and inappropriate. it’s fine to say “hey, we’d love it if you’d think about people in your network who might be interested in this.” it’s not okay to say “you must harass your personal contacts whether you want to or not.” 4. my boss sends non-stop thank-you emails my new boss sends me emails that just say “thank you!” or “thank you so much!” as replies to almost every email i send to her or that she is copied on from me. i try to appreciate the gratitude, but we are crazy busy and they just feel like a waste of time for her and for me. i often receive them late at night, and while i myself often work at night or on weekends and don’t mind receiving requests in off hours, it feels like an unnecessary interruption to my downtime to send an email with essentially no content. my uncharitable instincts tell me an email that just says “thank you!” sent at 10 p.m. is just to let me know she’s working so late, but i don’t actually think that’s the case. my passive aggressive instinct is to send her a reply that just says “you’re so welcome!” every time but that doesn’t solve anything. i’m usually all in favor of direct communication but i’m really afraid of coming across as super whiny for complaining about something so small. we are new to working together, and i would like to put my best foot forward. also, does she think i’m ungrateful for all of her work because i don’t acknowledge every communication with a two word email? let it go. it takes her two seconds to send, and it takes you two seconds to read and delete. and it shouldn’t be interrupting your downtime unless you’re checking your work email already, in which case that’s not really downtime. she’s a big thanker. there are worse offenses. your best bet is to shrug it off. 5. interviewing when you’re not sure you want to leave your current job i currently work at a startup and i really love it there! however, i have some worries about our future sustainability for various reasons. i don’t think we’re going to go under immediately or anything, but i know that when you work for early stage startups, there’s always that risk! i’m not actively job hunting but i have been keeping my eyes open a little wider lately for these reasons. a job at a larger company where i have friends recently opened up. they encouraged me to apply and i decided to give it a shot. i’m genuinely not sure if i want to take another job or not. like i said, i love my current job. but it seems foolish not to look into other opportunities if they come along. if we go under in a few months, i’d definitely be bummed out for passing up this chance to interview. but is it unethical to interview for a new job if i’m not sure i’m ready to leave my old one? if i were to hypothetically get an offer and then decide i didn’t want to leave my current job, how should i handle that? so not unethical! just like it’s not unethical for them to interview you without being sure they’d hire you. if you were sure you wouldn’t take the job if offered and were just using them for interview practice or really weird entertainment, then yeah, that would be shady. but it’s totally normal to interview even if you’re not absolutely sure you’re ready to leave your current job. in fact, interviewing can be part of how you figure that out — sometimes you might find that you prefer your current job to any of your other options, and other times you might realize that you can do much better. if you end up getting an offer and decide you don’t want to accept it, you’d just say, “thank you so much. i’ve given it a lot of thought and i’ve decided not to move on right now, but i really appreciate the time you spent talking with me.” (however, if you realize after you interview — but before you get an offer — that it’s a definite no for you, it’s courteous to let them know at whatever point you’re sure you want to withdraw, rather than waiting for them to put together an offer.) you may also like:how to get info from job candidates who turn down our offersemployer offered me a job but refuses to tell me the salaryasking a staff member why he’s not going to our holiday dinner, i ghosted on a reference, and more { 250 comments } posted in short answers my employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend by alison green on may 24, 2017 in an interesting pairing with today’s earlier letter about responses to “how are you,” a reader writes: i have a direct report who has been with the company about five months. she is nice, smart, and easy to work with, but is not performing that well. it’s a tough job (recruiting), and i think she’s just not a good fit. she does something that drives me crazy, and i’m trying to figure out if this thing is legitimately annoying or if i perceive it that way because i’m frustrated with her performance overall. whenever i make small talk with her, she works in something about how she can’t wait for 5:00 and/or friday. for example, i say, “how are you today?” she says, “great, but i’ll be better at 5:00.” i say, “how’s it going?” she says, “just waiting for friday.” every. time. today, midday tuesday, i was answering some of her questions, and i ended with “anything else i can help you with?” she replied, “not unless you can make it friday.” i totally understand that we are all working for the weekend, and i certainly talk about looking forward to the evening or the weekend, especially in the context of having fun plans or in reaction to a particularly challenging day. but this occurs in every interaction and has since the very day she started. additionally, she doesn’t say much overall, so it’s not like these comments are tucked into a 15-minute conversation – they are often the only communication i get from her during the day. it also seems weird to me that she would constantly remind her direct manager that she doesn’t want to be at work. i mean, i know you’d rather be elsewhere, but i don’t need to be reminded of it every day! i should also note that i know she makes these comments to coworkers as well, and i’m concerned about how their frequency might affect morale. am i right to be annoyed, or do i need to let this go? is this just a weird verbal habit, or should i take this as an indication that this person is truly and deeply dissatisfied with this position (or working in general)? no, you’re right to be annoyed. it’s one thing to make the occasional “can’t wait for the weekend” comment; everyone does that. but when her most frequent topic of conversation is how she doesn’t want to be at work, it’s really off-key. that said, it doesn’t sound like it’s your biggest issue with her — the performance problems are. if she were otherwise doing well, i’d say that you should address this — but in this case, you’re better off focusing on the performance stuff and figuring out pretty quickly whether she can do what you need, and transitioning her out if she can’t. and i worry that adding this separate thing on top of a very serious performance conversation will feel like you’re just picking at her. however, if that weren’t the case and/or you want to address this anyway, i’d go with one of two options: the concerned “is something going on?” option, and the “you probably don’t realize how this is coming across” option. or you could use both! for example: “i’ve noticed that you comment a lot about how you can’t wait for 5:00 or for the weekend. of course we all like time away from work, but you mention it so frequently that i wonder how the job is going for you. are you running into problems that i could try to help you solve?” or: “i’ve noticed that you comment a lot about how you can’t wait for 5:00 or for the weekend. of course we all like time away from work, but you probably don’t realize that you’re saying it so often that it’s starting to sound like you really don’t want to be here. if that’s the case, i’d like to talk to you about what’s going on. if that’s not the case, i want to ask you to be aware of how often you say it, since over time that kind of thing can impact how people see you, or even impact morale in general.” i do think it’s possible that this a sort of verbal tic and she doesn’t realize how often she’s saying it. especially since you say she doesn’t say much overall, it’s possible that she’s settled on this as a thing she says to make small talk with colleagues and doesn’t realize that it’s not a great choice. or, it’s possible that it reflects a more problematic attitude about work — not just that she’d rather not be there (because again, fine; i’d rather be in bed right now so i’m sympathetic), but that she doesn’t realize that people will find it weird that she’s talking about it all the time. sometimes people get like that when they’ve had past jobs with crappy cultures, where it was normal to make comments like this all the time because it’s openly acknowledged that the workplace and the work sucks and everyone hates it. that is not an attitude that works when you bring it to a healthier workplace, but she may not have realized that yet. who knows what’s at play here. but i think it’s a reasonable thing to mention to her. you may also like:my older employee keeps talking about my agemy employee keeps flirting with memy manager says i’m too abrupt with coworkers { 216 comments } posted in being the boss how to deal with a loud coworker by alison green on may 24, 2017 a reader writes: i have been at my job for a month and a half. my coworker plays music at her desk, and i find it to be very annoying. i really wish she’d use headphones, or better yet, turn off the music, but i’m not sure how to ask her to do so. a few weeks ago i told her that her music made me want to dance (i know, i know… passive aggressive) and she immediately turned it down (not off) because she said it meant that it was too loud. unfortunately, even with it turned down, it was still a distraction. she also said that people had complained about her noise level (including music?) in the past, and that i should let her know if it ever bothers me. she’s popular within our team, so i’d hate to get on her bad side. i’m starting to think i will have to suck it up and live with this since i hate confrontation. i answer this question — and four others — over at inc. today, where i’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). you can read it here. other questions i’m answering there today include: working at a job where the rules change constantly a great candidate applied for a job, but i never saw her application i interviewed with a cold handling an upcoming work trip when i’m about to resign you may also like:addressing people by their first names, getting your job choice right the first time, and moreupdate: my new coworker wants to forbid music in the officemy new coworker wants to forbid music in the office { 169 comments } posted in advice about your coworkers saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me by alison green on may 24, 2017 a reader writes: am i being unprofessional/unfriendly if i don’t engage in the “how are you/fine how are you/fine” interactions at my office? it feels deeply inauthentic. “fine” is never the best answer for how i’m feeling, and it feels painful to say when in actuality i’m going through a rough time. when i ask someone how they are, i actually want to know, so hearing “fine” is also frustrating. i’m still within a probation period so either way i wouldn’t be sharing particularly intimate details at work. when i wanted to give my boss a heads up that i was having a rough time that day (so she wouldn’t be concerned if she noticed me being teary-eyed), i summarized a pg-13 situation as “an interpersonal issue with a loved one.” that to me still feels genuine even though i’m not giving any specifics. right now when someone asks “how are you?” i sometimes say fine (because i feel obligated) but i don’t always ask them back. (which might come across as rude, i realize. i just hate asking such an inauthentic question.) or i don’t respond back at all but just smile warmly. is this okay? i’m forming good relationships at work and people seem to like me. i have lots of conversations with my colleagues throughout each week where we’re actually getting to know each other. it’s just these walk-by greetings that i’m struggling with. if i do need to say something back, can you suggest some alternatives to “fine” that can still be neatly inserted into the brief window of that interaction? i’m actually overall really happy with my life and job right now so “fabulous,” “grateful,” and other positive terms make more sense to me than “fine” but i don’t know if these will seem weird. last thing: i’ve had social anxiety all my life (even now when i have an enormous and wonderful community) and these interactions make that flare up. sometimes what i struggle with here is trying to figure out whether the person is actually asking me how i am (in the case of the people i work with with whom i also have extended genuine conversations with or with my boss who may be asking about the progress of what i’m working on) but the vague “how are you?” is difficult to interpret. you’re struggling with this because “how are you?” means different things in different situations. when the interaction is a quick one — like when you’re passing someone in the hall or greeting them in the morning — “how are you?” is a social ritual that means “i acknowledge you, fellow human!” the fact that people aren’t looking for long, genuine replies in that situation isn’t inauthentic; it’s that the words mean something different than they might in other contexts. in situations that aren’t quite so quick — like at the start of a meeting with a colleague — “how are you?” is often more of a real question, but it’s still part social ritual. there’s room for more sharing here, but there are still boundaries that depend on the situation. when you’re dealing with colleagues, answers like “great, just came back from a vacation in nepal” or “i’ll be pretty good as soon as i get out from under these board reports” are fine … but a long blow-by-blow report on your uncle’s health crisis or an emotional account of a fight you had with your significant other wouldn’t be. that’s not because people are being inauthentic, exactly; it’s because of the boundaries (and time limits!) we have at work. and then there are the times when someone really does mean “tell me what’s going on in your life — i truly want to know how you’re doing.” these are usually in more emotionally intimate situations, like when you’re talking with a bff or a close relative. but sometimes there’s a work version of this too, like when your coworker knows you’ve been having a rough time personally or your boss is checking in on how you’re handling a stressful workload. (still, there are work boundaries here, particularly around time, and people don’t expect you to dive into all the details the way you might with a close friend.) so back to your question: are you being unprofessional/unfriendly if you don’t engage in the “how are you/fine how are you/fine” interactions with your colleagues? and yeah, possibly so. if your answer to “how are you?” when you pass someone in the hallway is “fine” without a “what about you?” following it, you’re probably coming across as a little rude or brusque to some people. that doesn’t mean everyone secretly hates you or anything like that, but it’s probably a thing that some people notice and wonder about. again, this is just a social ritual of acknowledgement, and people expect you to play your part in that. that means responding with “good, and you?” or “hanging in there — how are you?” or whatever version of “fine/you?” you’re most comfortable with. that is literally all this interaction requires. and remember, it’s not about people not being genuine; the words here mean something different. it’s about saying “i acknowledge you.” and you want people to feel acknowledged, right? (but i would not go with the “grateful” response you contemplated in your letter. that feels almost leading, because it’s an unusual enough response that people are almost certainly going to feel obligated to ask what’s going on. they’re going to assume you just got saved from a mugging or narrowly avoided an avalanche or so forth — they’re not likely to hear it as “i feel general gratitude toward the universe for my happy life.”) you may also like:can you be a good manager if you’re shy?my boss says i shouldn’t expect people to tell me when they’re too busy to talkmy boss and my coworker have heated arguments with f-bombs { 522 comments } posted in workplace practices post navigation ← older posts advertisement search this site looking for a job? get my guide how to prepare for an interview learn how here recent posts open thread – may 26-27, 2017 should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth, employees are apathetic about company-wide meetings, and more can i knit during work meetings? 4 updates from letter-writers how can we get employees to follow our strict time-of-arrival policy? how to put together a professional wardrobe without blowing your budget accepting a big favor from employees, taking time off when you’re a one-person department, and more my employee constantly talks about waiting for 5:00 and the weekend how to deal with a loud coworker saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me my boss fired me and won’t let me return to visit friends, skipping my boss’s barbecue, and more how to speak up when women in your office are called “girls” are new managers supposed to be this stressed out? how upset should i be about a re-hired employee’s quick resignation? how many doctor’s appointments are too many, nervous about mentoring a smart intern, and more this gross app wants you to flirt with your coworkers 6 lies your career center told you how can 20somethings know if something is worth complaining about or leaving a job over? who should communicate a lay-off, asking for a raise after three months at a new job, and more weekend free-for-all – may 20-21, 2017 how to deal with weird interview questions open thread – may 19-20, 2017 i love frequent meetings, my employee won’t stick to a schedule, and more company decided they couldn’t afford to hire me after a lengthy interview process update: i had a fling with my new boss’s then-husband your coworkers are very dramatic friends keep asking me to write their resumes, can i ask to resign instead of being fired, and more my manager told us we were going to be laid off — but she was wrong the dark side of “unlimited” vacation time i reported my sexist team to hr — and now they’re doing a much bigger investigation than i wanted older posts surprise me! show me a random post advertisement categories advice about your boss (595) advice about your coworkers (590) ask the readers (121) bad advice (56) bad interviewer behavior (59) being the boss (468) cover letters (57) external recruiters (22) family, spouses & significant others (121) firing (92) freelancing (17) gimmicks won't get you a job (16) happy endings (46) hiring (137) interesting jobs (10) internships (49) interviewing (377) jerks (98) job offers (116) job search: following up (25) job searching (476) law + order (120) layoffs (29) me (61) networking (56) new grads (38) open threads (358) phone interviews (21) references (101) rejections (73) resigning (104) resumes (107) salary (180) short answers (1,547) sponsors (42) students (31) thank-you notes (16) uncategorized (256) unemployment (8) updates (449) volunteering (16) work habits (340) workplace practices (403) subscribe by email change default font size a a a advertisement ask a manager ^ back to top copyright © 2007 - 2017 ask a manager. all rights reserved.


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